Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
If you describe yourself as a ‘compassionate Conservative’, have a long, hard think about why that even needs pointing out.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round. The wheels on the bus go round and round until midnight, then there’s a limited night bus service.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
An ill-advised tattoo, an interest in astrology…if David Dimbleby has the Jagged Little Pills album, he’s your first girlfriend at university.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Prepare to fail and you’ll…no, hang on. Don’t fail to prepare and you’ll fail…no, that’s not right, either. Damn, I had it a minute ago.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
For supper, you prepare a simple meal of fresh pasta lightly tossed in some pesto. A delicious, classic accompaniment to pie, chips and a burger.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
You’ve always lived life to the full and given your recent lack of sex life, that has also included your balls.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
If you’ve expressed any kind of opinion on supermarket Christmas adverts recently, this week might be the perfect time to consider shutting your fucking food-hoop.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You know that bit in the films where the ridiculously good-looking girl ends up with the unconventional-looking bloke because he really gets her and makes her laugh? And you know that girl in work you’ve been mooning over for the last two years? Yeah, that’s not going to happen.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
You’ve already finished your Christmas gift shopping. Sometimes having no friends or family has its benefits.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
The moment I wake up, before I put on my makeup, I say a little prayer for you. Because when I find you, I’m going to kill you.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
No, mulled wine isn’t wine you’ve spent more than three seconds thinking about before drinking.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
STRAIGHT OUTTA COMPTON! Then second left, follow the ring road, you can’t miss it.

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Hilarious exam howlers destroy kids' dreams

A NEW book showcases the side-splitting exam mistakes that have ended the hopes and dreams of children.

Full Marks For Trying, Losers highlights rip-roaring errors like misspelling ‘horse’ as ‘whore’ that have condemned youngsters to a lifetime of factory shift work.

Author Roy Hobbs said: “Kids can be so funny, especially when they’re experiencing the intense mental pressure of an examination that could fundamentally affect their future.

“For example one amusingly inept boy called Simon responded to the question ‘What is hard water?’ with the answer ‘Ice’.

“After leaving school he drifted between low-paid casual jobs before turning to petty crime and is now addicted to heroin in Brixton Prison.”

Another example from Hobbs’s book is 11-year-old Suzi who, when asked what the effect of the 1833 Slavery Abolition Act was, simply wrote ‘The slaves were abolitioned.’

He said: “Suzi’s inability to grasp basic concepts means she is unable to get a job or form normal relationships. After a lifetime of mockery and not getting the proper help she will die alone in an unmarked grave.

“Still at least she will be remembered in a stocking filler book.”

18-year-old Tom Logan, whose work features in the book, said: “One of my exams said ‘How do you identify athlete’s foot?’ so I put ‘It’s on the end of his leg’.

“That was just pathetic bravado because I didn’t know the answer. But I wish to God I’d applied myself at school, because now I might not be Googling ‘how much is my kidney worth?’.”