Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
If you describe yourself as a compassionate Conservative, have a long, hard think about why that even needs pointing out.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round. The wheels on the bus go round and round until midnight, then theres a limited night bus service.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
An ill-advised tattoo, an interest in astrology if David Dimbleby has the Jagged Little Pills album, hes your first girlfriend at university.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Prepare to fail and youll no, hang on. Dont fail to prepare and youll fail no, thats not right, either. Damn, I had it a minute ago.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
For supper, you prepare a simple meal of fresh pasta lightly tossed in some pesto. A delicious, classic accompaniment to pie, chips and a burger.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Youve always lived life to the full and given your recent lack of sex life, that has also included your balls.
Taurus (20 APRIL 20 MAY)
If youve expressed any kind of opinion on supermarket Christmas adverts recently, this week might be the perfect time to consider shutting your fucking food-hoop.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You know that bit in the films where the ridiculously good-looking girl ends up with the unconventional-looking bloke because he really gets her and makes her laugh? And you know that girl in work youve been mooning over for the last two years? Yeah, thats not going to happen.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Youve already finished your Christmas gift shopping. Sometimes having no friends or family has its benefits.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
The moment I wake up, before I put on my makeup, I say a little prayer for you. Because when I find you, I’m going to kill you.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
No, mulled wine isnt wine youve spent more than three seconds thinking about before drinking.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
STRAIGHT OUTTA COMPTON! Then second left, follow the ring road, you can’t miss it.