Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
This week you’re celebrating the news of a sequel to It’s A Wonderful Life by getting a plane ticket to Hollywood and a flamethrower.

bobinsideSagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Oscar nominations are never going to sell a film to you until the Academy enter the 21st Century and create an award for Best Topless Car Chase.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Why not relax this weekend by watching a triple bill of Mel Brooks, blaxploitation & psychedelic films? Something like Space Balls, Shaft and Head.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
That Mars advert where the bloke goes in goal is so unrealistic – Scott Parker in an England shirt?

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
When your partner introduces you to her parents, saying “…and you must be her sister?” is only really a compliment for her mum.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
When Shalamar promised to ‘make this a night to remember’ they actually meant they were going to kill your dog with a spade in front of you.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
I’m sure everyone is convinced that you shave your head because it’s fashionable. And that’s the same grunting noise Tinie Tempah makes when he gets out of a chair, right?

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Remember, the ‘Women need men like X need Y’ formula works for pretty much anything. For example ‘Women need men like an archaeopteryx needs Acid Jazz’.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
The winsome cover version, the look of amazement on the faces of a rosy-cheeked young couple – the Christmas advert for your local clap clinic has really pulled out all the stops this year.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Time to consider a diet when taking a selfie requires arms like a giraffe’s neck to get all your chins in the frame.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
These days you measure the scale of debauchery of a Friday night out on a scale of 0-Mayor Of Toronto.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
4.9% ABV (Absolute Bollocks, Verifiably)