Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
This week youre celebrating the news of a sequel to Its A Wonderful Life by getting a plane ticket to Hollywood and a flamethrower.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Oscar nominations are never going to sell a film to you until the Academy enter the 21st Century and create an award for Best Topless Car Chase.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Why not relax this weekend by watching a triple bill of Mel Brooks, blaxploitation & psychedelic films? Something like Space Balls, Shaft and Head.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
That Mars advert where the bloke goes in goal is so unrealistic – Scott Parker in an England shirt?
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
When your partner introduces you to her parents, saying “…and you must be her sister?” is only really a compliment for her mum.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
When Shalamar promised to ‘make this a night to remember’ they actually meant they were going to kill your dog with a spade in front of you.
Taurus (20 APRIL 20 MAY)
I’m sure everyone is convinced that you shave your head because it’s fashionable. And that’s the same grunting noise Tinie Tempah makes when he gets out of a chair, right?
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Remember, the ‘Women need men like X need Y’ formula works for pretty much anything. For example ‘Women need men like an archaeopteryx needs Acid Jazz’.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
The winsome cover version, the look of amazement on the faces of a rosy-cheeked young couple the Christmas advert for your local clap clinic has really pulled out all the stops this year.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Time to consider a diet when taking a selfie requires arms like a giraffes neck to get all your chins in the frame.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
These days you measure the scale of debauchery of a Friday night out on a scale of 0-Mayor Of Toronto.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
4.9% ABV (Absolute Bollocks, Verifiably)