Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
An idle thought on Friday is wondering if the One Direction tour bus has the sign ‘No tools left in this vehicle overnight’.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Sex with you is like a rollercoaster. There’s nausea throughout and the opportunity to buy a commemorative t-shirt afterwards.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
This week you realise that at least 40% of soap storylines could be avoided by characters simply checking to see if anyone has overheard them.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
No, it isnt CS Lewis’ farts that riot police use on protestors.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
No word from the X Factor producers about your suggested new nickname for Sharon Osbourne Taint because shes between the penis and the arse.
Taurus (20 APRIL 20 MAY)
Guinness loses interest in your claim that you can hold your breath for twenty minutes when you explain thats not all in one go.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Remember that any office discussion on an item from the news should be entirely unpolluted by anything resembling a fact.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
What’s that, Mr Mister? You’ve brought me a gift? That’s love JESUS WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO THIS CANARY?
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Growing up, your older brother was always giving you a dead leg. These days he just sends a birthday card.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Your shock at finding out a rich, famous media person has taken drugs is surpassed the following morning when the sun unexpectedly rises.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
I want to be loved by you, just you and nobody else but you. I want to be loved by you alone. Boopboopbedoop. So what’s the Saint Bernard doing here?
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
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