Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
An idle thought on Friday is wondering if the One Direction tour bus has the sign ‘No tools left in this vehicle overnight’.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Sex with you is like a rollercoaster. There’s nausea throughout and the opportunity to buy a commemorative t-shirt afterwards.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
This week you realise that at least 40% of soap storylines could be avoided by characters simply checking to see if anyone has overheard them.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
No, it isn’t CS Lewis’ farts that riot police use on protestors.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
No word from the X Factor producers about your suggested new nickname for Sharon Osbourne – ‘Taint’ – because she’s between the penis and the arse.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Guinness loses interest in your claim that you can hold your breath for twenty minutes when you explain that’s not all in one go.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Remember that any office discussion on an item from the news should be entirely unpolluted by anything resembling a fact.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
What’s that, Mr Mister? You’ve brought me a gift? That’s love JESUS WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO THIS CANARY?

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Growing up, your older brother was always giving you a dead leg. These days he just sends a birthday card.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Your shock at finding out a rich, famous media person has taken drugs is surpassed the following morning when the sun unexpectedly rises.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
I want to be loved by you, just you and nobody else but you. I want to be loved by you alone. Boopboopbedoop. So what’s the Saint Bernard doing here?

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
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Sex survey finds 100% of editors want excuse to publish sexy picture

ALL newspaper and website editors will take any excuse to run a picture of naked people, according to a new sex survey.

A poll of sexual attitudes among the nation’s media executives found that 100% of them were open to any and all flimsy excuses to show images of nudity.

Newspaper editor Julian Cook said: “I’m desperate to show boobs in a semi-legitimate news context. Usually this comes in the form of a new ‘sex survey’ like this one.

“This means I can print a ‘sex’ stock photo that was clearly taken in the 90s because the man is wearing loads of hair gel.