Pulled pork 'does not make you more manly'

FASHIONABLE meat meals like pulled pork, steaks and ‘barbecue’ do not confer manly qualities, it has emerged.

It had been thought that the large, oozing meat dishes consumed in restaurants with exposed brickwork and quasi-American names were making men stronger, braver and more capable in battle.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “We took a group of men, fed them nothing but pulled pork and 28-day-hung rib-eye steaks for a month, then dropped them on the Orkneys with just pocket knives to see if they would survive.

“Their meat diets extended their lifespans slightly by giving them an extra layer of subcutaneous body fat. But the main problem was having to get their own food rather than simply ordering it from an oversized laminated menu with pictures of cows on it.”

“They all died.”

38-year-old graphic designer Stephen Malley said: “After a gruelling day at my moderately demanding desk job, I love to ‘chow down’ on a massive burger covered in cheese and bits of pork. Like a lumberjack from the Deep South of America, or whatever.

“Then I go home and have half a dozen Gaviscon before bed, otherwise I won’t be able to sleep.”

Meat restaurant entrepreneur Tom Booker said: “Pulled pork is over anyway, these days it’s all about yanked pork or tugged pork.”

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Facebook 'better than sex' if you are unable to make valid comparison

FACEBOOK is better than sex if you have never had sex or have been doing it very badly.

As a new study found that social media is distracting people from having intercourse, experts stressed that you may have been trying to do it with your elbows.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Go back to basics and just try being naked with another human being while deploying the more obvious parts of yourself.”

Emma Bradford, who has not had sex since she told everyone about it on Facebook two years ago, said: “It did not go well so now I spend most of the day watching my feed to see if anyone else has had sex. They have not.”

Bradford’s friend Jane Thompson said: “I’m too worried about money to have sex. I recently bought an iPad Air so I can tell everyone that.”

Professor Brubaker added: “Perhaps you could have a transitional arrangement where you have sex while swapping your worthless, ill-informed opinions and then, at the moment of climax, you compare each other to Hitler.”