Independent Scotland to have a Jacuzzi

AN independent Scotland will have a spa bath, state-of-the-art multi-room audio and an ‘intelligent fridge’.

Setting out its blueprint for independence, the Scottish National Party said the country would be ‘fully-loaded’ with the sort of optional extras that will make England ‘question its life choices’.

First Minister Alex Salmond said: “I had my first Jacuzzi last year. It was fantastic and I thought ‘if we are going to do independence properly we are definitely going to need one of these’.

“It was so bubbly and warm. Honest to God, I literally had to be dragged out of it.

“Four big guys – half an hour. I was clinging to the handles.”

He added: “The sound system will be amazing. It means we can have the same song playing in every single room in Scotland at the same time.

“The guy from the shop said it’s much cheaper if it’s part of a ‘new build’. He said it gets pricey if you have to ‘retro-fit’ it.

“I didn’t ask what that meant.”

Salmond said that, unlike the opponents of independence, he has never missed an episode of Channel Four’s Grand Designs.

He continued: “What I learned was that it’s all about ‘the budget’. Kevin McCloud is always telling people to spend way more than they can possibly afford, otherwise they will regret it for the rest of their lives.

“I’m not saying we won’t have enough money, I’m saying we’re going sell all the nuclear submarines to Brazil.”

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Difference between old and new Xbox not obvious to women

WOMEN last night admitted they had failed to spot the massive leap forward in gaming between the Xbox 360 and the Xbox One.

Experts said the £430 device is a game-changing console that more than justifies an absolutely tremendous amount of fuss.

But Joanna Kramer, from Exeter, said: “Haven’t you already got this game? With the cars racing around? Haven’t you had it for ages?

“Oh I see, that was Forza 4 and this one’s Forza 5. But is it still just driving cars around, or can you do different stuff now?”

Kramer’s boyfriend Tom Logan, said: “Can’t you see the light bloom, the added draw distance, the anti-aliasing? And what a frame rate.

“God, just look at the detail in those textures.”