Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You wish you loved anything as much as soap opera writers love evil characters overhearing important conversations, then smirking.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
This week you learn that it is remarkably difficult to inflict non-fatal injuries on balloon animals using voodoo.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Oh sure, wear a beard of bees and everyone takes a photo. But turn up for work wearing cockroach sideburns and you’re told to go home.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
After being asked where you went to university and what books you’ve read recently, it becomes apparent that you seem to be on an awkward date with Facebook.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
You still don’t know what a viscocker is or how many you get in a jar.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You’re right – grammar Nazis wouldn’t be in the SS, they’d be in the s’.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Over Christmas you learned that ‘wassailing’ is basically begging for booze and singing. Which means the bloke who sits outside your local train station has been wassailing for the last eight months.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Dear Pink Floyd – money isn’t a gas, as you claim in your song. It’s a solid.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You got some Hendricks gin for Christmas, which is nice, but on the downside you have to open it behind your back before setting fire to it.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
This week your sausage will be too tightly rolled up. Wurst furled problems.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Why not get your Benedict Cumberbatch name by tossing two handfuls of Scrabble tiles at a ceiling fan?

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
May contain traces of dark sexual energy.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

The Mash guide to public speaking

DELIVERING a speech or presentation is many humans’ greatest fear.

Even Michael Bay, who directs popular shit films, was recently overwhelmed with stage fright while promoting a television that bends.

Here’s how to successfully address a room:

Build rapport by telling the audience something personal about you, for example how you killed a man in Belgium and hid his body in a lorry depot.

Correct body language suggests status and confidence. Lie in the centre of the stage and curl into the fetal position. Then you can command the room, like a commanding foetus.

Imagine your audience naked. Better still, imagine them naked and living in a network of underground caverns ruled over by merciless robot overlords called mandroids.

Carry a matchbox pet in your breast pocket, for example a grasshopper. It’ll give you a sense of companionship, also you can talk to it, building anticipation by asking the box questions like “Do you think they’re ready for the first quarter sales figures, Mr Feelers?”

Take regular sips from a glass of your own urine, which is known to cleanse the liver.

Warm up the crowd with some light bullying of audience members with distinguishing physical features. Also if you forget bits of your speech you can simply turn to your victim and ask ‘You still here, wonky eye man?’ in a snidey voice.

If it’s going badly, use up your time allowance by individually offering everyone in the room a Malteser.