Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You wish you loved anything as much as soap opera writers love evil characters overhearing important conversations, then smirking.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
This week you learn that it is remarkably difficult to inflict non-fatal injuries on balloon animals using voodoo.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Oh sure, wear a beard of bees and everyone takes a photo. But turn up for work wearing cockroach sideburns and you’re told to go home.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
After being asked where you went to university and what books you’ve read recently, it becomes apparent that you seem to be on an awkward date with Facebook.
Taurus (20 APRIL 20 MAY)
You still don’t know what a viscocker is or how many you get in a jar.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You’re right – grammar Nazis wouldn’t be in the SS, they’d be in the s’.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Over Christmas you learned that ‘wassailing’ is basically begging for booze and singing. Which means the bloke who sits outside your local train station has been wassailing for the last eight months.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Dear Pink Floyd – money isn’t a gas, as you claim in your song. It’s a solid.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You got some Hendricks gin for Christmas, which is nice, but on the downside you have to open it behind your back before setting fire to it.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
This week your sausage will be too tightly rolled up. Wurst furled problems.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Why not get your Benedict Cumberbatch name by tossing two handfuls of Scrabble tiles at a ceiling fan?
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
May contain traces of dark sexual energy.