Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Your nan has really dramatic music playing whenever she walks around ever since she bought her Hans Zimmer frame.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
As a xenomorph, when you watch the film Aliens it’s about trying to bring up a family while being hassled by soldiers.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Since buying a breast-shaped tea mug it’s all gone tit sup.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
You never got a Tamagotchi but now you have an iPhone that needs charging every fifteen minutes so that’s something.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
This week you will see the worst ‘living statue’ busker ever. He won’t have bothered painting himself silver & will just lay on the ground clutching his chest.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Fame at last as a new stage in the grieving process – ‘rage incontinence’ – is named after you.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
No word from the BBC about your game show where contestants try and get hammered using a random selection of household items called “Ready, Steady, Fucked”.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Cynics dismiss love as nothing more than a chemical imbalance in the brain, but that only explains why you occasionally go fucking mental in Asda before passing out.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Ensure nobody uses your mug at work by getting a branded one from the local STD clinic.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You’ve really left your mark with your former employers as they didn’t previously conduct random crystal meth testing amongst staff.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Sat in a dinghy with an ex-member of 5ive, you decide that abseiling isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
From January 22nd 2014, Capricorn will no longer be in operation due to budgetary cuts. You are now an Aquarius.

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Narcissists finally get to have sex with themselves

A SEX app for Google Glass is being hailed as a revolution in narcissism.

Pathologically self-absorbed people will be able to see themselves looking awesome during sex as their image is relayed from their partner’s Google Glass to their own headset.

34-year-old Nathan Hayes said: “Previously I only knew whether I looked awesome during intercourse by asking my girlfriend immediately afterwards.

“This is what I always wanted, my partner reduced to the status of a camera.

“After sex I lie on my back while looking at myself through my girlfriend’s eyes and say ‘You are an incredible creature’.

“Then I reply ‘I know’. This new app will take my relationship with myself to another level.”

However mirrored ceiling maker Roy Hobbs says Google Glass is an inferior way to gaze at yourself during intercourse.

“For hundreds of years, we’ve been mirroring people’s ceilings so they can watch themselves doing it.

“You can’t beat the actual reflection of your naked writhing body. Digital just doesn’t compare.”

He added: “Kindles are shit too.”