Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Your nan has really dramatic music playing whenever she walks around ever since she bought her Hans Zimmer frame.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
As a xenomorph, when you watch the film Aliens its about trying to bring up a family while being hassled by soldiers.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Since buying a breast-shaped tea mug it’s all gone tit sup.
Taurus (20 APRIL 20 MAY)
You never got a Tamagotchi but now you have an iPhone that needs charging every fifteen minutes so that’s something.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
This week you will see the worst ‘living statue’ busker ever. He wont have bothered painting himself silver & will just lay on the ground clutching his chest.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Fame at last as a new stage in the grieving process rage incontinence is named after you.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
No word from the BBC about your game show where contestants try and get hammered using a random selection of household items called Ready, Steady, Fucked.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Cynics dismiss love as nothing more than a chemical imbalance in the brain, but that only explains why you occasionally go fucking mental in Asda before passing out.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Ensure nobody uses your mug at work by getting a branded one from the local STD clinic.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Youve really left your mark with your former employers as they didnt previously conduct random crystal meth testing amongst staff.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Sat in a dinghy with an ex-member of 5ive, you decide that abseiling isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
From January 22nd 2014, Capricorn will no longer be in operation due to budgetary cuts. You are now an Aquarius.