Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
No, I don’t think the uncanny ability to choose a bus that will change drivers en-route is a superpower, actually.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
The worst aspect of this Gary Barlow business is it’s stopped you preferring any other human being on earth to Robbie Williams.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
When life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You like Willem Dafoe. He’s brillent.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
The halal meat controversy hasn’t affected you as you only eat meat that has found peace with its personal god and has died surrounded by loving family members at a ripe old age.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Save money on buying a Tom Waits album by asking a tramp what he thinks about his ex-wife while kicking an accordion around.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You’ve used all the European election campaign leaflets that have been delivered to create a collage in your front window that says ‘Piss Off’.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Preparing yourself for having the birds and the bees talk with your kids you realise it’s been so long you’re not entirely sure how it’s done.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You’ve not seen the leaked photos of Ben Affleck as Batman, mainly because you’re an adult.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
You scratch my back and I’ll scra-Jesus, what’s that brown lumpy thing with hairs growing out of it?
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You hate it when somebody uses your mug at work. Especially when you’ve just filled it with gin.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
We tried delivering your horoscope but you were out. We have left it with a fox.