Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
No, I don’t think the uncanny ability to choose a bus that will change drivers en-route is a superpower, actually.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
The worst aspect of this Gary Barlow business is it’s stopped you preferring any other human being on earth to Robbie Williams.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
When life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You like Willem Dafoe. He’s brillent.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
The halal meat controversy hasn’t affected you as you only eat meat that has found peace with its personal god and has died surrounded by loving family members at a ripe old age.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Save money on buying a Tom Waits album by asking a tramp what he thinks about his ex-wife while kicking an accordion around.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You’ve used all the European election campaign leaflets that have been delivered to create a collage in your front window that says ‘Piss Off’.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Preparing yourself for having the birds and the bees talk with your kids you realise it’s been so long you’re not entirely sure how it’s done.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You’ve not seen the leaked photos of Ben Affleck as Batman, mainly because you’re an adult.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
You scratch my back and I’ll scra-Jesus, what’s that brown lumpy thing with hairs growing out of it?

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You hate it when somebody uses your mug at work. Especially when you’ve just filled it with gin.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
We tried delivering your horoscope but you were out. We have left it with a fox.

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H.R. Giger 'created cinema's only non-shit alien'

SWISS artist H.R. Giger, who died this week, created the only alien in cinema history that is not a bit shit.

Film critic Mary Fisher said: “Before Alien, and indeed after Alien, extra-terrestrials in films were uniformly wank.

E.T. looks like a sunbed-addicted nan, the things in Close Encounters were just big fetuses and although Star Wars had some cool aliens in the cantina scene that’s counterbalanced by the ewoks, the shittest of all shit aliens.

Independence Day aliens – shit. Men In Black aliens – shit. Predator – clearly a body builder with two stuck-on chicken wings for a mouth.

“None of them compares to an eyeless armoured demon with acid blood and a hydraulic fanged-penis mouth. That is just so admirably fucked up.”