Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You are like a hurricane, you play some exciting snooker but your head goes in the big matches.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You’re kicked off the train on Tuesday after somebody next to you Googles ‘persecution complex’ and you start a fight, accusing them of having a dig at you.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
No matter how much of a rush you’re in, love letters should never begin ‘To whom it may concern’.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
If you have one fault, it’s that you’re a perfectionite.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
If you can’t wait for X Factor to see Stereo Kicks again, just go into a branch of Next and get every member of staff to shout at you.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Worried that you won’t meet this quarter’s personal development targets, it suddenly strikes you that you’re clinging to a rock hurtling around a slowly dying nuclear explosion and none of this actually matters.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Movember is going well as you’ve managed to act like a moron every day this month so far.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You’re pleased with yourself today as you manage to work out the twist in the book you’re reading before the end. Spot’s ball IS in the tree after all.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
A disappointing visit to the cinema to see a romcom on Saturday when you realise it’s actually a film about Romanian communism.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Everyone agrees you look twenty years younger after you fling yourself to the floor in a tantrum and soil yourself.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
A library card is a passport to a whole new world of adventures, mainly because you can use it to open half the front doors on your estate.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Hand wash only. Especially in the sinks in the gents.

The Daily Mash in your inbox
privacy

Manchester United trying to instigate rivalry with Stockport

FOLLOWING defeat by Manchester City, United officials are attempting to stir up a bitter rivalry with Conference North side Stockport County.

Stockport’s flea market is ‘cocky’

United administrative staff spent much of yesterday composing anti-Stockport songs and making abusive phone calls to the sixth tier club’s main office.

Club secretary Carolyn Archer said: “Stockport County are Manchester United’s most ancient foes, everyone knows that.

“They always say you’re either from the red half of Manchester or the blue half, and by the blue half we mean a small separate town around seven miles away.

“We can’t stand The Hatters, or whatever their nickname is.

“Just the thought of Stockport’s Victorian viaduct makes me really angry. When we meet every 36 years or so, it gets really tasty.”

United fan Stephen Malley said: “I suppose I could hate Stockport. They play in blue and they’re worse than us, it’ll be like the good old days. Plus they’re always making hats.”

Despite Archer’s best intentions, United received a polite email back from Stockport asking if they ever have any spare tickets for Premier League games.