Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You are like a hurricane, you play some exciting snooker but your head goes in the big matches.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You’re kicked off the train on Tuesday after somebody next to you Googles ‘persecution complex’ and you start a fight, accusing them of having a dig at you.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
No matter how much of a rush you’re in, love letters should never begin ‘To whom it may concern’.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
If you have one fault, it’s that you’re a perfectionite.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
If you can’t wait for X Factor to see Stereo Kicks again, just go into a branch of Next and get every member of staff to shout at you.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Worried that you won’t meet this quarter’s personal development targets, it suddenly strikes you that you’re clinging to a rock hurtling around a slowly dying nuclear explosion and none of this actually matters.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Movember is going well as you’ve managed to act like a moron every day this month so far.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You’re pleased with yourself today as you manage to work out the twist in the book you’re reading before the end. Spot’s ball IS in the tree after all.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
A disappointing visit to the cinema to see a romcom on Saturday when you realise it’s actually a film about Romanian communism.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Everyone agrees you look twenty years younger after you fling yourself to the floor in a tantrum and soil yourself.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
A library card is a passport to a whole new world of adventures, mainly because you can use it to open half the front doors on your estate.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Hand wash only. Especially in the sinks in the gents.