Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
This week, why not turn up to a local council meeting and insist the park keeper does something about whoever keeps defecating in the bins before heading off to crimp off a couple of pounds of soil into the one by the bandstand?

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You’re proud of the fact you can take it on the chin but the director repeatedly told you he wanted it in your hair.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Today is gonna be the day that they’re gonna throw it back to you. And say “I ordered this without ketchup, dickhead.”

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You’ve never liked people invading your personal space and it’s just unfortunate that you’ve come to define that as ‘within 200 yards of the bedsit’.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
A busy week for you as you frantically cobble together an NHS risk report you’ve been telling everyone they can’t see because you’ve not actually written it.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Your heart is telling you that he’s the one but your head is telling you it’ll never work. Your liver, meanwhile, is telling you that if you don’t get a pint of value vodka down your neck in the next half hour it’s going into shock.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
One in the eye for your GP when he says you’re not doing any exercise and you point out your exertions denting cans in Asda to get them discounted.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Make life on public transport that little bit more exciting by leaning across to the person next to you and whispering “Any last requests?”

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Ebooks are a revolution allowing new authors to access an audience otherwise denied to them by the traditional publishing industry. And, y’know, a chance for deluded numbnuts like you to upload their PDF onto Amazon to the delight of precisely no-­one.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
This week you fail to impress your cineaste friends by pointing out that ‘Battleship’ isn’t the first film based on a board game, arguing furiously that ‘Downfall’ was actually based on that one with the coins and the dials.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You sometimes see the world in black and white but you’ve had that telly for forty years and there’s nothing wrong with it.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Your television debut sees the family crowd around the TV at 3am to watch you dry hump a Nokia on Babestation.


Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

NHS hires doctors' relatives to ruin their weekends

DOCTORS who refuse to work weekends will have them ruined by tedious family occasions, under new NHS plans.

As statistics show that mortality rates are higher on Saturdays, health chiefs have begun paying doctors’ relatives to organise dreadful-yet-unavoidable social events that will make medics want to work weekends.

An NHS spokesman said: “Consultants may feel differently about their precious weekends if they suddenly become worse than touching sick people, ie their partner’s parents are coming to visit from Friday to Sunday.

“Faced with the prospect of spending a day making awkward conversation with in-laws as they loll around in chairs making slyly critical remarks about the wallpaper, even the most reluctant GP will be fleeing into the arms of the unwell.”

Consultant Tom Logan said: “I work hard in the week so I value my weekends. Or at least I did until my diary was suddenly mysteriously full of relative-based tedium.

“It seems I’ve got my wife’s parents down most weekends – and her father thinks he fucking knows everything about everything – while the rest are filled with the weddings of distant cousins.

“Apparently my wife’s brother Gary is having some all-day birthday party next Saturday, which involves hill walking and a brass band recital. I don’t really like him either, he smells of stale bread, and I think he hits his dog.

“Clearly I would rather spend my time in the company of people with infectious diseases.”

Tom Logan’s wife’s brother Gary said: “The man from the NHS paid me £5000 to pretend it was my birthday and to ensure that the celebrations took up an entire weekend, with expensive hotel accommodation and a trip to a war museum.

“I don’t even like Tom Logan, I suspect he cheated on my sister in 1973, but I like the idea that he won’t enjoy himself.”