'How I plan to be unbearable on my gap year'

By Tom Logan

I’m embarking on a life-changing gap year before doing a degree and then getting a job in finance or marketing. I need to make sure that as I travel the world over the next 12 months I am as dreadful as possible. Here’s my five point plan:

Clothes
At Heathrow I will be wearing a bandana, a Kings of Leon t-shirt and a pair of maroon shorts my mum bought me. As soon as I arrive in Thailand I will buy a sarong or a pair of fisherman pants. I will be continually shirtless.

Music
I will play David Bowie songs on every beach, in every hostel and in every bar, and I will play them on a ukelele.

People
Whether I am in Nepal, Sri Lanka or Chile, I will seek out people who are exactly like me. We will share profound spiritual experiences. If you are anywhere near us, we will make sure you are aware of us.

Instagram
I will have my picture taken next to a leopard chained to a large concrete block. It should only cost me about 100 rupees and I may even get to play with the cubs.

Language
I will submerge myself in local cultures by helping simple, honest people learn English. Key phrases will include: ‘as much as I can get for 30 dollars’, ‘burning sensation’ and ‘let’s keep this between ourselves’.

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It's lucky women can't vote, says Trump

PRESIDENT Donald Trump is relieved that women still do not have the vote, it has emerged.

Following the controversial appointment of Brett Kavanaugh to the US supreme court, Trump claimed it was fortunate only men were allowed to vote in elections, otherwise there might be trouble.

He said: “There’s a lot of angry ladies out there, and it’s lucky in a way that they were never given the vote.

“I mean, I know there was talk of it a few years ago, but then everyone agreed it was a terrible idea which was, I think, the right decision.”

Trump added: “Some angry women are still very attractive.”