‘How I plan to be unbearable on my gap year’

By Tom Logan

I’m embarking on a life-changing gap year before doing a degree and then getting a job in finance or marketing. I need to make sure that as I travel the world over the next 12 months I am as dreadful as possible. Here’s my five point plan:

At Heathrow I will be wearing a bandana, a Kings of Leon t-shirt and a pair of maroon shorts my mum bought me. As soon as I arrive in Thailand I will buy a sarong or a pair of fisherman pants. I will be continually shirtless.

I will play David Bowie songs on every beach, in every hostel and in every bar, and I will play them on a ukelele.

Whether I am in Nepal, Sri Lanka or Chile, I will seek out people who are exactly like me. We will share profound spiritual experiences. If you are anywhere near us, we will make sure you are aware of us.

I will have my picture taken next to a leopard chained to a large concrete block. It should only cost me about 100 rupees and I may even get to play with the cubs.

I will submerge myself in local cultures by helping simple, honest people learn English. Key phrases will include: ‘as much as I can get for 30 dollars’, ‘burning sensation’ and ‘let’s keep this between ourselves’.