Friday, 10th July 2020

How small is your penis?

PENISES: We all know most of them are not very big, but how small is yours, really? Take this quiz and see how you measure up.

How were your school days? A) Few formative memories here, some good friends there. Normal stuff. B) Best years of my life. I regularly try to organise a reunion on Facebook in an attempt to relive the glory days.

What do you drive? A) Some sort of car. Gets me from A to B. Does it matter? B) A needlessly loud motorcycle that I gun for a full minute in a suburban cul-de-sac before speeding off into the horizon. Usually at 2am.

Thoughts on Greta Thunberg’s transatlantic trip? A) Good on her, wish I did something productive with my life. B) It’s not completely carbon neutral, talk about a hypocrite. Her parents are behind her celebrity, anyway.

You’re leading a country through a fraught and complicated political affair. Do you: A) Reach out for help. This affects everyone, after all. B) Needlessly jeopardise the lives of society’s most vulnerable people to score a few points with my party members.

Mostly As: It’s either above average or you’re a well-rounded person. Or both. How very nice for you.

Mostly Bs: It’s tiny. Please stop overcompensating with flash gestures and dumb opinions. If it’s getting you down that much order a pump from one of those specialist magazines.