How small is your penis?

PENISES: We all know most of them are not very big, but how small is yours, really? Take this quiz and see how you measure up.

How were your school days?
A) Few formative memories here, some good friends there. Normal stuff.
B) Best years of my life. I regularly try to organise a reunion on Facebook in an attempt to relive the glory days.

What do you drive?
A) Some sort of car. Gets me from A to B. Does it matter?
B) A needlessly loud motorcycle that I gun for a full minute in a suburban cul-de-sac before speeding off into the horizon. Usually at 2am.

Thoughts on eco-protesters?
A) Good on them even if they are annoying, someone’s got to arrest the deadly slide into an overheated Earth.
B) What they do isn’t completely carbon neutral, talk about hypocrites. They’ve all got iPhones. And their parents pay for everything, the spoilt twats.

You’re leading a country through a fraught and complicated political affair. Do you:
A) Reach out for help. This affects everyone, after all.
B) Needlessly jeopardise the lives of society’s most vulnerable people to score a few points with my party members.

Mostly As: It’s either above average or you’re a well-rounded person. Or both. How very nice for you.

Mostly Bs: It’s tiny. Please stop overcompensating with flash gestures and dumb opinions. If it’s getting you down that much order a pump from one of those specialist magazines.

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Trump has pressed fake nuclear button CIA gave him eight times this week

DONALD Trump has pressed the large fake red button that the CIA told him would set off nuclear weapons eight times this week.

A White House insider said, “He was watching a repeat of Who Wants to be a Millionaire? yesterday and he got the $1,000 question wrong and he just totally lost it and said that people needed to pay for that.

“The question was ‘What is the capital of Peru?’ So you can guess who he decided to nuke for that one.

“Bolivia. Because that’s what he thought the answer was.

“He then decided that Italians were generally a bit rude so he knew how to sort that out.

“He’s currently under the impression that we also nuked France yesterday because he once received unsatisfactory service in a restaurant in Barcelona.

“There are a number of things wrong with that sentence but if we start highlighting them then we have to start highlighting all the other stuff too and we really don’t have the time.”