How to lay the groundwork for a sickie

EVERYONE likes to throw a sickie but how can you do it without getting caught? Let’s take a look…

Social Media
Getting into the subconscious of your employers and or fellow employees can be very useful and social media is the best way to do it. For example, if you post, ‘My stomach really does feel a little off at the minute, hope there’s nothing going round’ on the Sunday and then don’t turn in on the Monday someone in the office will say, ‘He did post something about having a bad stomach yesterday,’ meaning they will at least, in theory, give you the benfit of the doubt. Just don’t post a picture of yourself on the piss with your mates the next day.

Ring up and say you’re feeling a little unwell but you really, really want to come in
You can ring up on the day and say things like, ‘I’m feeling a bit sick, well sick as a dog actually, the kind of thing I could even pass on to other people but I do really want to come in and finish that report,’ and whoever you’re talking to in the office will then say, ‘No, if you’re going to risk other people being off you should stay at home’. Then make sure to hang up and don’t say, ‘Haha the silly bastards believed me,’ before noticing you haven’t actually hung up.

Just say, ‘I’m taking a sickie to stay at home and get stoned all day’
Honesty can be the best policy so why not just say, ‘Listen, I could say I’m sick and put on a cough when I ring up but what would be the point? Instead I’ll just be honest and say I’m not coming in as I have the house to myself for a couple of days so I’m going to be get off my tits and watch videos on Youtube. See you next time I’m in’. If you don’t get fired it will work brilliantly.

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Vital train announcement made over inaudible speaker

CRUCIAL information about a train’s running status has been delivered over a speaker that nobody can hear or understand.

Commuter Nathan Muir said that he felt a familiar cocktail of anxiety, anger and resignation as he heard the tinny chatter of the train conductor, who lazily reeled off a lengthy statement that occasionally contained recognisable words.

He added: “The first time I heard something like this I thought it might be something exciting like the Queen’s on board or they’ve found a suspicious package in the bike rack. In all likelihood though it’ll just be that the buffet cart won’t be able to offer an at-seat service.

Holidaymaker Susan Traherne humoured her children by saying that the ambiguous disruption was all part of the English experience: “They were starting to get cranky on the long journey, but the shoddiness of privatised railways really put a smile on their little faces.”

Train conductor Tom Booker said: “Everyone’s going to have to get off at Crewe and squeeze into one of about eight coaches that you can’t tell apart. Got that? Right? Ok, I’m off home.”