Five particularly bad moments to say 'I love you'

TELLING someone you love them is exciting, but ultimately all it does is lock you in a years long battle about whose turn it is to descale the kettle. You need to be completely sure you mean it, so here’s when to avoid it all costs.

After three bottles of Shiraz on a first date
If you drink enough booze, pretty much anyone can become fascinating and alluring, so, even if you sleep with them, make sure you’ve at least sobered up before making your declaration.

When in mortal danger
Situations of jeopardy cause people to make all sorts of wild claims that they might later regret. If Jack had survived the Titanic he and Rose would have ended up bickering like a couple of twats.

In the middle of an argument
If you’re saying it out of sheer desperation to make someone shut up for five seconds, you probably don’t actually mean it. It’s cynical and transparent, but may actually work.

During someone else’s wedding
It won’t be romantic if you shout this out whilst the object of your desire is getting married to someone else. In fact it will have the opposite effect and they will hate you.

After several years of passive aggressive hints from your partner
Probably just end it instead.

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Teething is a form of demonic possession, confirm experts

BABIES who are ‘teething’ are actually possessed by evil demons sent from hell, experts have confirmed.

Research shows that tantrums, waking up at night, biting and generally being a dick are not due to ‘molars coming through’, but symptoms of dark spiritual possession by a Babylonian demon named Pazuzu .

Mum, Emma Howard said: “The crying, the grumpiness, the tantrums, biting the cat, waking up at night screaming ‘mottherfuckers’, all pointed to teething.

“To find out that our baby is under the influence of a malevolent force from hell is a bit of a blow.We’re hoping it’s just a phase.”

‘Teething’ child Dave Howard, said: “My mum loves blaming stuff on teething.  If I were actually teething the amount of times she says I‘m teething I would have 16,908 teeth. I have five. I am clearly possessed by evil force.  Deal with it.”

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Parents are advised to try giving their possessed baby Calpol.

“Not really. You’re fucked. Maybe try praying or better still, get a nanny, let them deal with it.”