How to survive a networking event

HAVE you been forced to attend some f**king ‘networking event’ by your boss and want to top yourself within two minutes of arriving? Here’s how to cope.

Find the bar immediately
A couple of drinks will soon take the edge off and you’ll be giving out business cards like they’re sweeties, followed by dancing on the table. If there isn’t a bar, try drinking 19 cups of coffee: the caffeine overload will either remove your inhibitions or cause such havoc in your bowels that you can cry off sick.

Remember that everyone else feels like a twat as well
Unless someone is an insufferable, overly motivated bellend, they’ll feel deeply awkward about attending a networking event and will only be there because their boss forced them to. You’re all in the same hideous boat together.

Look for another loner
Look for someone who’s standing by themselves and strike up a conversation. They’ll either be finding the whole thing dreadful, like you, or be a Class-A weirdo who everyone else is avoiding. Either way, you’ll have someone to talk to.

Tell some outrageous lies
Forget all the bullshit about being authentic and keep yourself entertained by lying. For example, you’ve been sent by Google to scout for new talent at this depressing networking event in a budget hotel conference room in Nantwich. If anyone believes you, you’ll know to hate them immediately.

Set off the fire alarm and run like f**k
If all else fails, activate the nearest fire alarm and leg it to nearest boozer. Alternatively, just set the building on fire.

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Farage labels Queen Mother 'overweight, chain smoking gin drinker' without realising that's half the country

NIGEL Farage labelled the Queen Mother an ‘overweight, chain smoking gin drinker’ without realising that describes most of Britain and 95  percent of his own party.

Chain smoking Brexit voter, Martin Bishop said: “Yeah, we’re best rid of that old chain smoking…sorry, give us a second whilst I cough this up…”

Fellow Brexit voter Emma Bradford said: “Yeah, she was bloody well overweight. Sorry I have to sit down, the previous sentence was quite a lot of exercise.”

Brexit Party member and ferocious gin addict, Donna Sheridan added: “Who the f*ck said the what now?”