How to talk to a woman wearing an astronaut’s helmet

By Martin Bishop, blogger and author of How to Respectfully Chat to Bitches N Ting

THE cold vastness of space is a surprisingly good place to pull because female astronauts get very lonely and horny.

Here’s how to approach a lady spaceman as she is orbiting the Earth:

– When you meet a female astronaut out in the Earth’s orbit, the first thing you should do is casually knock on the helmet and introduce yourself.

– Their first response may be to tell you “Fuck off” but that’s just them being coy and maybe a little shy. We all know what women are like.

– Persistence is key. So, just casually knock on the helmet again and gesture for them to remove the helmet so you can ask their name.

– They may be worried about the lack of oxygen if they do but that’s just women being women, so just knock again and say you think they’re really cute and that you just want to get to know them better.

– If they start to look annoyed though, then it might be time to break out the big guns. So you just scream right into helmets visor, “I fancy you. I FANCY YOU! Can I have your phone number? Have you seen Game of Thrones? It’s really good isn’t it?” She’s bound to be blown away by your confidence.

– A lot of women like poetry to so this might be good time to casually drop in that you like to write poetry also.

– If they carry on being coy then they’re probably lesbians, so alas you might have to let that one slide and then just drift off into outer space to find an alien woman with nine breasts.

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Trump confirms Mexico is way better than America

DONALD Trump is refusing to return from Mexico after discovering how much better it is than America. 

Trump travelled to Mexico to meet President Pena Niento but quickly found the country so much more suited to his needs that he has resolved never to return.

He said: “No building regulations, no gun laws, the Coke’s made with cane sugar and the weather is fantastic.

“Why waste effort making America great again when just a few miles south there’s a country that’s already great without so many whiny white people? I’ve already picked out a new wife.

“And there’s no immigration problem here. Though I’m still going to build that wall but now the US is going to pay for it.”

President Pena Niento said: “I guess we take the rest of America’s trash, so whatever.”