How to work in the heatwave

A GUIDE to surviving the heatwave whilst you are technically meant to be doing a job.

Council workman/Builder

It’s surely too hot to work, so just sit around, reading the paper and drinking cups of tea. Then if the boss shows up quickly jump up and look like you’ve been working the whole time. Basically the same as any other working day.

Office worker

They can’t be expecting you to give 100 per cent, not in this heat, surely. The toilet will be the best place to avoid work as you can just sit there watching old cartoons on your phone. When you finally return to the office, hold your stomach and mutter about some bad prawns.

Police officer

Who can be bothered chasing criminals in this kind of heat? Just sit in the police car, turn the air conditioning up and maybe eat a Mint Feast or Solero. If it’s too hot for you to work then it’s definitely too hot for criminals to work.

Heart surgeon

Even in normal-weather operations they have those people who dab your sweaty brow, so just imagine how much dabbing they’d have to do during a heatwave. Most heart operations probably aren’t that urgent anyway, and hospitals are full of beds so simply find an empty one and have a siesta.

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Woman who starts sentences 'do you want to' not really asking

A WOMAN who often says ‘do you want to’ is actually giving you an order, it has been confirmed.

31-year-old Emma Bradford said: “I just find that people are more willing to do things if they think it was at least a little bit their idea, and not just me barking my instructions at them.

“Prefacing a command with ‘do you want to’ gives them a sense that they’ve still got a chance to decide for themselves, which of course they haven’t.”

Bradford uses the technique to convince her boyfriend Tom Booker that he wants to clean the bath or put on a different shirt to go with his jeans.

Booker said: “I love that Emma asks me so many questions about what I want to do. It makes me feel loved, and not at all like the victim of a thinly-veiled mind control technique.

“And when she says ‘are you sure you want to do that?’ before I’m about to something, I reevaluate what I’m about to do, and more often than not, I don’t do it.”

“Without her, I wouldn’t know what I want at all. Or maybe I would. I’m not sure, I’d better check.”