"I am teaching my child a crucial life lesson by completing his Lego card album"

MY son has stopped giving a shit about his Lego card album, and actually I couldn’t be happier.

I have now taken over this vital project and set up a special Lego card Whats App group and bought 140 Sainsbury’s loo rolls – but I still need Hotdog Guy and Classic Alien.

I am willing to do whatever it takes to get them because the one life lesson I want to pass on to my child it’s that you must never leave an album half finished.

I would not be the man I am today had I not completed my  Figurine Panini Football 79 album. My god, but it has stood me in good stead.

Also, I do just really like Lego cards. Does anyone have any swapsies? I’ve got 11, 09, 76, 78, 94 and 113 and need 22, 87 and 64.

If you have them, you have to tell me. There’s no need for this to get nasty.

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Cat described as a 'fur baby' starts looking for new owners

A CAT that is used as a substitute child would like to live with some humans who are not mental, he has confirmed.

Cat Tom Logan is disturbed that his owners describe him as ‘our baby ’ despite the fact that he is a different species and would kill them and eat them if he was a bit larger.

Logan said: “When I heard them call me a ‘fur baby’ I was like ‘Christ on a fucking bike, I need to get the hell out of this place’.

“I’d like to live with some normal people, who leave a bowl of Go Cat by the door and then ignore me unless I do something annoying like piss on their face while they’re asleep.”

He added: “They probably wouldn’t call me their ‘precious ickle boy’ anymore if they knew how much I fantasise about crunching up their skulls.”