Is being a cougar still a thing? Because if so, I'm pretty sure I am one

by Mary Fisher, cougar

YOU may have heard about cougars, it was quite a big thing a few years ago.

We’re attractive middle-aged women who pursue younger men. Are you familiar with that concept? Cougars were a pretty huge deal around 2013 but I’m fairly sure there’s room in the world for another article about us.

So…I’m a successful, 47-year-old HR manager, and I drive around in an Audi TT with a personalised license plate that says ‘2HOT’. Since my divorce I’m having a big sexual renaissance and younger men cannot resist my confidence and experience in the ‘boudoir’.

No! Don’t stop reading yet! Don’t you want to hear about how I’m still very sensual, keep in shape with daily pilates and how wine bars are my ‘hunting ground’?

Fucking hell, everyone loved this shit a few years ago. It was cougars this and cougars that. I got my picture taken twice for the Daily Mail, standing in a row with some other woman under the headlines ‘COUGARS ON THE PROWL’ and ‘ROAR! BEWARE THE COUGAR PACK’.

Cougars were an important cultural moment, probably on a par with the invention of the printing press, and now nobody cares about all the amazing sex we’re having. What about if I re-brand myself as a ‘she-wolf’? Or say ‘I’m coming after your husband next’?

Oh come on. She-wolf is pretty good. No? Well, I guess you’ve read to the end of this now anyway.

By the way, I’ve also written two screenplays, they’re called Cougar and Cougar 2: Revenge of the Cougar and if you’re interested you can email me at [email protected]

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Man puts massive donation on JustGiving page so everyone knows he's loaded

A MAN doesn’t give a shit about his friend’s sponsored swim but just wants everyone to know he’s got loads of cash, he has confirmed.

Corporate lawyer Nathan Muir put a donation of £2,000 on the page old school pal Tom Logan had set up to raise money for charity just so all of their mutual friends and acquaintances would realise he’s absolutely rolling in it.

Muir said: “Tom sent me a link to this charity thing he was doing in memory of his dog or whatever. It’s the kind of sentimental nonsense I’d usually ignore, but then I saw that loads of dickheads I used to know had been making donations.

“Honestly, they were lame. A tenner here, a fiver there. One of the poor sods even managed to stretch to fifty quid, which prompted a massive outpouring of appreciation from Tom about their ‘immense generosity’.

“So I just cracked two grand on there and sat back and waited for everyone to realise what an immense success I had become, whilst they were all pissing their lives up the wall maintaining lasting friendships and support networks.

“Then I went home and cried.”