Jamie Oliver's culturally insulting cuisine of the world

AWRIGHT, me old muckers? I’m Jamie and I’m here to tell you about the latest totally authentic products in my ‘Jamie’s Microwave Meals of the World’ range.

If you enjoyed my ‘jerk rice’ you’ll love these authentic cultural flavours from around the foreign world.

Samurai prawns

The ancient Japanese warrior class needed a slap-up feed after a big battle. As you tuck in imagine you’re a deadly swordsman and the sweet-and-sour dipping sauce is the blood of your enemies.

Tibetan buddhist pepperoni pizza

Buddhist monks are all I can think of to do with Tibet but because they were such laid-back dudes they probably loved to chill with pizza and a movie. Comes with garlic dip for a truly spiritual experience.

Pasta al Wall’s Viennetta

This traditional Italian dish consists of spaghetti in mint ice cream sauce with dark chocolate sprayed on top to make it look ‘classy’ if you are a bit common.

French-style gourmet beans on toast

Haute cuisine pioneers like Escoffier loved their grub, so they wouldn’t have hesitated to perk up their baked beans with some grated cheddar. Only takes 30 seconds in the microwave, so you don’t have to devote your life to the art of cooking. 

Southern fried bangers and mash

After a hard day picking cotton, slaves would come home and forget their troubles with sausages and mash piled up in a huge mound like in the Beano. It’s no wonder it’s the ultimate comfort food!

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Nan explains latest confusing reasons for voting Tory

A NAN who lives in a local authority affected by Tory cuts has given an utterly incomprehensible account of why she always votes for them.

Mary Fisher of Northampton is opposed to things like library closures, but doggedly votes Conservative for reasons that would baffle even the most brilliant psychologist.

Fisher said: “My main reason for voting Conservative is a documentary I saw 20 years ago about a family from Leeds. I forget the details but the son was a right little so-and-so.

“I wouldn’t want them living next door, and the same applies to Australians. They’ve got a jokey attitude so you don’t want them doing something important like flying a plane.

“By voting Conservative I feel it somehow stops bad things happening, even though I think they’re smarmy gits just in it for themselves who’ve done nothing about all the wasps.

“Still, it’s better than Arthur Scargill running the country. Or Gerry Adams. What a pair they are. Never trust a man with a beard, I say.”

Psychologist Tom Booker said: “I’d assumed older people voted Tory due to fear of change, but with Mrs Fisher it appears to have something to do with Asda’s range of cooked meats.