Jeremy Corbyn's guide to a progressive socialist Christmas

WITH shopping to do and parties to go to, it’s easy to forget the true meaning of Christmas – international socialism. Here’s how to have a left-wing festive season.

Avoid militarist films

Reject capitalist war profiteering by not watching militarist propaganda like The Great Escape. I will also be avoiding superhero films due to their sickening elitism.

Have a marrow-based dinner

I love having people over for a sumptuous Christmas dinner, so I’ll be making my famous boiled marrow. Make sure your guests definitely get the invitation or there’s a danger no one will turn up, like last year.

Buy left-wing presents

Everyone loves socialist Christmas presents. This year I’m getting my wife a fascinating book I discovered called From Nye Bevan to Neoliberalism: Changing Economic Challenges Facing the Modern Welfare State. At 804 pages it’ll last a lot longer than a bottle of Chanel No. 5!

Be ‘revolutionary’ with your tree

Instead of a fairy on top of your tree, challenge bourgeois conservatism and put a scowling figure of Leon Trotsky up there.

Don’t forget the young socialists!

This year all my young relatives will be getting action figures from a wonderful non-profit socialist toy shop I found in Islington. I can’t wait to see them having adventures with Bearded 1980s CND Man and Earnest Middle Class Activist Woman.

Leave something out for Santa

On Christmas Eve I leave out 10 carrots and 10 mince pies to encourage Santa to share profits equally among his reindeer workforce.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Santa told to stop being such a judgemental old bastard

A STRANGE old man who does one day of work a year shouldn’t have the right to judge other people as naughty or nice, it has been claimed.

The mysterious Mr Claus, who lives in a desolate outpost somewhere in the North Pole, has set himself up as the all-seeing umpire of human morality, even though no one ever asked him to.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “People who go on about unelected Brussels bureaucrats making decisions about their lives should be equally as upset about some weird bloke deciding whether they’ve behaved themselves.

“It’s not like he’s a particularly good role model, after all, given that he’s the most prolific housebreaker in the history of the world. Plus there are a lot of question marks around his treatment of reindeer because we still don’t know how Rudolf got that red nose.

“Our research has shown that 97 per cent of people would like Santa to be less of a critical old codger, because they want to cheat on their spouses and still be allowed to have presents.

“They also said they think it’s a bit rich coming from him, given that he isn’t shy about the fact that he co-habits with elf slaves and loves a drink.”