We've got your cat, May tells Barnier

THERESA May has kidnapped Michel Barnier’s cat to use as a bargaining chip in Brexit negotiations.

After failing to influence the EU with her no-deal Brexit planning, the prime minister snatched the cat, Marcel, from near Barnier’s home by luring him with a tin of tuna.

May said: “This changes everything. The EU had better agree to our demands or Barnier will be getting Marcel back one paw at a time.

“Right now he’s locked in a room with Iain Duncan Smith. And as we know, Iain just loves torturing the innocent and defenceless, he’s even got a special mask with a zip for a mouth.

“So I suggest the EU gives us all the benefits of being a member even though we’re leaving. Also we’ll have £100 billion in untraceable Euros to cover all the money we’ve wasted on Brexit.

“Let this be a warning to other nations planning to cross swords with mighty Albion – do what we say or we’ll put your guinea pig in a toaster.”

However there are unconfirmed reports that Marcel has escaped after gnawing Duncan Smith’s left testicle and fleeing for the nearest ferry terminal.

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'Just get on with it,' say turkeys

TURKEYS across Britain have agreed that we should stop discussing what kind of Christmas we are going to have and just get on with it. 

The turkeys, who backed Christmas by an overwhelming 52 per cent margin, believe there has been too much argument already and cannot see what is delaying things.

Tom Booker, a free-range turkey living in Norfolk, said: “We’ve set the date and we’re going to bloody well see it through.

“Enough shilly-shallying. It’s not complicated. Christmas means Christmas, and we’re going to make a success of it.

“I tell you what, even the turkeys here who were against it have had enough of all the buggering about now. They want it done and dusted as much as the rest of us.

“Enough Project Fear. Bring it on. I bet it won’t be nearly as bad as everyone says.”