We’ve got your cat, May tells Barnier

THERESA May has kidnapped Michel Barnier’s cat to use as a bargaining chip in Brexit negotiations.

After failing to influence the EU with her no-deal Brexit planning, the prime minister snatched the cat, Marcel, from near Barnier’s home by luring him with a tin of tuna.

May said: “This changes everything. The EU had better agree to our demands or Barnier will be getting Marcel back one paw at a time.

“Right now he’s locked in a room with Iain Duncan Smith. And as we know, Iain just loves torturing the innocent and defenceless, he’s even got a special mask with a zip for a mouth.

“So I suggest the EU gives us all the benefits of being a member even though we’re leaving. Also we’ll have £100 billion in untraceable Euros to cover all the money we’ve wasted on Brexit.

“Let this be a warning to other nations planning to cross swords with mighty Albion – do what we say or we’ll put your guinea pig in a toaster.”

However there are unconfirmed reports that Marcel has escaped after gnawing Duncan Smith’s left testicle and fleeing for the nearest ferry terminal.