Mourinho put in charge of Brexit

SACKED Manchester United manager Jose Mourinho is the new Brexit secretary, it has been confirmed.

Mourinho will move straight from the United job to the government position and is already assigning blame for the total failure of Brexit to civil servants, the EU and anyone who preceded him in the post. 

He said: “Any Brexit secretary can only be as good as the team he has to work with, and my team is shit. They do not have any of the qualities I need. I hate them. 

“If you wish to examine my track record I have delivered independence to North Macedonia, full statehood to the Republic of Yemen, and La Liga to Real Madrid. Everything that happened there since, not my fault. 

“I have proven my commitment to this job by booking into a London hotel, so the Brexit fans need to get behind me. If they don’t we will not win. That will be on them. 

“The EU does not give me the deal I need. I asked for the deal and they did not give me the deal, so it’s impossible I can succeed. All the other countries have the deal so they are ahead. You said that, not me.

“Ultimately, the failure of Brexit cannot be placed on my shoulders. There is a clear guilty party: the Instagram of Paul Pogba.

“Thank you. I’ll take my payoff now.”