Mourinho put in charge of Brexit

SACKED Manchester United manager Jose Mourinho is the new Brexit secretary, it has been confirmed.

Mourinho will move straight from the United job to the government position and is already assigning blame for the total failure of Brexit to civil servants, the EU and anyone who preceded him in the post. 

He said: “Any Brexit secretary can only be as good as the team he has to work with, and my team is shit. They do not have any of the qualities I need. I hate them. 

“If you wish to examine my track record I have delivered independence to North Macedonia, full statehood to the Republic of Yemen, and La Liga to Real Madrid. Everything that happened there since, not my fault. 

“I have proven my commitment to this job by booking into a London hotel, so the Brexit fans need to get behind me. If they don’t we will not win. That will be on them. 

“The EU does not give me the deal I need. I asked for the deal and they did not give me the deal, so it’s impossible I can succeed. All the other countries have the deal so they are ahead. You said that, not me.

“Ultimately, the failure of Brexit cannot be placed on my shoulders. There is a clear guilty party: the Instagram of Paul Pogba.

“Thank you. I’ll take my payoff now.” 

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Stevenage teenagers outraged at Lewis Hamilton's criticism of their beloved town

LEWIS Hamilton’s description of Stevenage as a slum has devastated the town’s proud teenagers, it has emerged.

A group of 13- to 19-year-olds gathered at the Hertfordshire town’s bus station agreed that the racing driver could not be more wrong about Stevenage’s marvels and wonders. 

Wayne Hayes, aged 15, said: “It’s not just the mayor who’s offended, though he’s a great guy who we’ve got a massive amount of respect for. 

“But why would Hamilton turn on Stevenage like that? See this town centre? First purpose-built pedestrianised shopping zone in Britain. How can that not make him proud? 

“Admittedly we’ve not got Marks & Spencer any more, but we’ve got a Primark, we’ve got a Card Factory, we’ve got Vision Express and Specsavers. I bet Monaco can’t offer that. 

14-year-old Mary Fisher said: “There must be something wrong with him to attack this place that’s grown and nurtured him. I plan to become a multi-millionaire myself but I’ll always stay right here where my roots are, in my beloved Stevenage.”