Man would be meditating every day if wanking didn't exist

A 28-YEAR-OLD man would be meditating on a daily basis if only masturbation did not exist, he has confirmed.

Nurse Wayne Hayes said: “With a demanding job and all the mind-cluttering distractions of modern technology, I realised it was important to clear space in my morning for a meditation session.

“Unfortunately that space tends to be filling with wanking.

“I’ve tried meditating on how I can stop wanking, but that just makes me realise how much I prefer wanking to meditating, and then you can guess what happens next.

“I’ve tried reading some books of Zen proverbs but they don’t mention wanking at all. There’s a lot of stuff about observing the changing seasons, rivers and ‘oxen’, whatever they are, but that doesn’t really help.

“Perhaps wanking is a type of meditation. I tried it in the car the other day when I was stressed out and it did seem to help.

“I might make a ‘wanking mindfulness’ app, it could make lots of money then I could stay home all day. Meditating.”

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May hoping to get better Brexit deal in January sales

THERESA May believes she can get a more economical Brexit deal in the January sales, it has emerged.

With a vital commons vote set for January 14, the prime minister is confident of ‘nabbing’ a discounted Brexit deal if she gets up early to beat the Boxing Day crowds.

She said: “As it stands the so-called Brexit divorce is about £39 billion.

“But in the sales you’ve got to expect that to go down to at least £38 billion. Maybe even £37 billion if we get it online and choose the free shipping option, although I don’t know if I can put that much on my debit card.

“Plus you’ve got to imagine the customs union will be having some sort of sale. Maybe 10 per cent off all tariffs or something.”

She added: “I don’t know who I am any more.”