'Judging other parents is what makes having children so worthwhile'

HAVING kids is exhausting and stressful but comes with the ultimate reward: making sweeping judgements about other parents.

Before I had my first baby I imagined life would be an endless rosy glow when it was born. How naïve I was. I quickly realised that, while sometimes cute, it was mainly a constant stream of vomit, shit and screaming.

If parenting was going to be years on end of tedium and difficulty, what was the point?

I found the answer when I discovered the visceral pleasure of making harshly critical judgements of other parents. But, like a junkie on a crack bender, I always need more of it to maintain the same high. My kids are seven and nine now, and I’m an absolute nightmare to be around.

If I see a mother feeding her kids Dairylea Lunchables while mine open a Tupperware of carrot sticks I give her a ‘look’. It makes me feel as good and wise as Florence Nightingale, but with nice clothes from Boden.

Dummies, bottle feeding, breast feeding, names, swearing, drinking alcohol, sweets, iPads, chicken nuggets, stay at home dads, working mums – I’ve judged it all, I know it all and it feels good.

Yes, I realise that parenting is hard and we’re all in the same boat. It’s just that actually I’m in my own boat and it’s obviously better.

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For f**k’s sake don’t solve the housing crisis, say selfish bastards

OWNERS of hugely overvalued houses are lobbying the government to make the housing crisis even worse.

Homeowners are pressuring their MPs to stop building on green belts, brownfield sites and any kind of affordable housing being built so their houses are worth more and they are technically richer.

Retired teacher Roy Hobbs, from Hampshire, said: “I don’t even own a buy-to-let. I just like being technically a millionaire.

“Having a stupidly overvalued house makes me feel like a genius investor rather than a talentless nobody who got lucky buying at the right time.

“Once they start building new houses for these millennial fuckers my three-bedroom semi might drop from its current high of £1,650,000. Which might be good for the economy, but would make me sad.

Hobbs added: “I’ve written to my MP demanding he oppose anything which might help solve this crisis.”

“Luckily he’s a greedy, parasitic bastard with a massive property portfolio so he totally agrees with me.”