Just buy me and get it over with, by a gift voucher

I KNOW you’re looking at me. And I know you think it’s wrong. But listen: this is the best possible decision you could make.

I’m a voucher, so you think I’m not glamorous or sexy enough for your wife. But honestly mate, neither are you. So just buy me, yeah? 

Look: I get the job done. So now it’s on you. You need to drop the fantasy that you’re going to find a gift that is in any way personal or meaningful. Perfume? She’ll take it back anyway. 

Let’s be honest, it’s me or another box of Quality Street, and that died on its arse last year.

What’s wrong with a gift voucher anyway? This way, she can choose whatever present she likes, assuming she’s into mid-market stationery or celebrity cookbooks.

Come the 25th, she’ll go ‘oh wow, I thought WHSmith went out of business years ago, and you’ll go, ‘no, that was BHS, Merry Christmas’.

Don’t overthink this. Buy me, put me in a card, write your name and her name and you’re in the clear.

Stop looking at the ‘Experience Days’, they’re overpriced crap. I’m where it’s at, baby. Fifteen sweet pounds off her next WHSmith purchase. 

Don’t question it. Don’t fight. Accept the inevitable, like you both did on your wedding day. Buy me, and get the hell out of here. For all our sakes.

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Man buys worthwhile item at Christmas market

A MAN has found and purchased something of use at a Christmas market, it has been confirmed.

Nathan Muir managed to leave his local Christmas market without buying a cuckoo clock, an ashtray made of a squashed lager bottle, or a bottle of artisanal vinegar. To add to this, he found and purchased an item with an actual purpose.

Market manager Emma Bradford said: “We stand by all our products. If there’s one thing that says “Happy Birthday Jesus” it’s a candle in a tin that costs £20, smells like Haribo, and is made by someone called Miranda.”

Stallholder Roy Hobbs, from whom Muir made his purchase of four AA batteries, said: “I also sell four lighters for a quid.

“I don’t usually come here because it’s full of idiots who wear scarves when it’s not cold while drinking hot wine.”