Just remember who's the real f**king princess here, by Kate Middleton

LET’S be very clear about this, Meghan. I am a princess. You are not.

Congratulations on joining the Firm. Harry’s so lovely and funny that one almost forgets he’s a ginger.

I’m sure you’ll enjoy being a dukette or lady baron or whatever delightful thing they’ll call you. There are lots of perks to this ‘lower-tier’ type of title, such as never needing to pre-book at Carluccio’s and 20 per cent off at Odeon cinemas.

But I just wanted to avoid any misunderstanding about who is the actual princess in this situation. Yes, technically I may still be a duchess but ask anyone who ever wanted a fete opened or a potato picture painted with a random group of povvo kids, and they’ll tell you I am (Fairytale) Princess Kate.

That’s right, bitch.

I’m sure you and I will be the best of friends, assuming the proper protocol is observed. This may include complimenting my hair on a half-hourly basis, not eating carbs within 200 yards of my presence and submitting your mobile telephone for regular ‘anti-Kate propaganda screening’.

Sometimes people who don’t get along with me have accidents, like at school when Gemma Carpenter-Price somehow fell out of the Dorm B window and couldn’t have solid food for a month. That was unfortunate but I don’t anticipate any such problems between us. Do you?

No. Good.

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Bride-to-be wondering if Prince Harry will pay for Grenadier Guards to escort her to registry office

A WOMAN who helps fund the royal family hopes Prince Harry will return the favour by arranging some Grenadier Guards for her wedding.

Taxpayer Eleanor Shaw, 33, has been looking for ideas to make her wedding ‘a bit different’ and thinks arriving with a platoon of men dressed in scarlet with huge bearskin hats will beat the vintage VW Camper van she had previously planned.

Shaw said: “Seeing as I’m going to be paying for Harry’s big fuck-off wedding with some of my earnings, it’s only fair he returns the favour.

“His family have got loads of massive castles he could get married in, whereas my parents have had to remortgage their house just to hire out a village hall and local DJ Alan’s mobile disco.

“The Grenadier Guards are always hanging out with Harry’s nan, so he could probably get mates’ rates, plus they can have unlimited pork baps.

“It’d be great if they could bring their guns too because my uncle Graham sometimes kicks off when he’s had a few.

“Will I invite Harry? No. I know he can’t help the bad influence of his family, but we’re classier than that.”