Miley Cyrus’s back-to-school shopping tips

If you don’t pull out all the stops to get the back-to-school look on point this year, you better be cool with your kid having chronic rotavirus from spending every lunch hour eating dry burgers in a leaky portaloo with Nicki Minaj.

First, you gotta get the shoes fitted right. Clarks is an awesome store because during school vacation they operate a ticket system so you can browse while you wait. I like to move around the shelves, rubbing myself over the displays to determine the quality of leather. This is a traditional technique I picked up from street cobblers in Laos and also I saw my dog doing it when she had worms and it looked pretty cool.

Some kids at school like to stay ahead of the game by wearing their gym kit no matter what day it is just so they can act all smug in the changing rooms when you’ve forgotten yours. Taylor Swift tried this tactic at the VMAs this week. But those leotards are scratchy as hell – the polyester simply cannot cope with the high stress of first day back. If you don’t want your kid smelling of social failure by the time the nominations for Best Female get read out, you’ll get her into some breathable fabrics stat. I recommend M&S.

Why not elegantly accessorise with a pretty hair band or pair of chaps?  A massive foam finger will set you apart from the rest: use it to signal you’ve got the right answer, the wrong answer, a crippling yeast infection – literally anything.

And Jeez – the photographers! On first day back, you gotta get that perfect shot or they’re gonna bury you. The biggest hazard when doing the family shot is all the bugs flying around the trashcans. You can be rocking the sexiest smile of your career but then your mom loses her shit because suddenly her Malibu-scented eyelash extensions are crawling with wasps. That’s why I’m always found with my long, sticky tongue hanging out on school photo day, and on most other photo days.

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Mafia ‘in awe’ of UK train companies

A GROUP of New York mobsters has visited Britain to get tips on exploitation from train companies.

The gangsters expressed their admiration for the way trains operate in the UK, which they consider to be the most beautiful racket ever devised.

‘Wise guy’ Tommy Logan said: “One day it’s £75 for an off-peak return. The next day – boom – it’s double the price. Nobody asks any questions.

“They got this other shit like ‘super off-peak’ just to make it real confusing.

“Poor schmucks don’t know what ticket to buy so they just get the most expensive one, it’s nice. Real nice.

“Season commuter tickets are the sweetest part of the operation because there’s no other way for people to get to work. Plus they got this ‘family saver’ grift that’s more expensive than the regular fare.

“All this and they don’t even bother to fix the toilets.”

“You know the best thing? If they want more money, they just ask the government. Cook up some bullshit about ‘vital track maintenance’ then blow the loot on women and horses.”