Nick Clegg: Sorry I stole your bird bath

Dear Madam,

First thing’s first: I’m so sorry. I would never in a million years steal anything from anyone, let alone this three-foot tall, stone bird bath from your garden. Yet, here I am, stealing it, making off into the cool suburban night, pausing only to write this note. 

So clearly, I’m lying about the million years thing. You’ve worked that out, you’re a smart lady. The real truth is: I’m at a bad place in my life. I’ve lost my job, everyone says I’ve singlehandedly annihilated social liberalism in the United Kingdom (whatever the hell that is) and worst of all, my father (Triton, King of the Sea) wants me to get up and sing in front of all his friends just because I’ve a voice sweeter than nectar. I literally HATE my life and I would give anything to have legs instead of a tail. 

So, as you can see: things are bleak right now. And I just figure that if I had more stuff,somehow I’d be a better person. And your bird bath looked so marvellous, what kind of man would I be if I just walked on and pretended it never existed? Mr Richmond over the road has a stunning Grecian amphora planter which I know he’ll be fine about once he’s had a run down of the situation. And Mrs Hodge at number twelve has a ceramic floppy-eared bunny on her front porch which, frankly, I would rather die than leave your street without. I have already named him ‘Hamish’ and he will live with me now and I will take care of him.

By now, madam, I feel you understand my woes. Think of me as you gaze out your kitchen window at the scabby, disappointed birds in your garden. Imagine how no judicial punishment for theft can match the punishment I face every time I look in this rustic pergola garden mirror (so sorry, I will replace it when I am better).

Until then, I remain wishing I could be,

Nick Clegg (Part of Your World)

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Pub with two extra beers apparently having a festival

A LOCAL pub is apparently staging a beer festival by bringing in two additional ales.

The Queen Victoria Inn announced the ‘Vic Beer Fest’ with a banner on its garden fence and posters showing royalty-free images of tankards taken from the internet.

Patron Wayne Hayes said: “I must admit I thought there might be a bit more to it than this.

“The so-called festival beers are called Otter’s Reach and Amber Dawn. Otter’s Reach is a bit paler, or maybe it’s the other way around.”

The pub has averaged thirteen punters a night during the week-long festival, with revellers keen to sample the slightly different ales.

Landlord Julian Cook said: “We were going to have a ska band on Saturday, the climactic day of the beer festival, but they cancelled because their van is broken.

“Tomorrow night is going to be a big one though, there’s free bar snacks before 6.30pm.

“It’s a big pork pie cut into chunks, just on the cusp of being out-of-date but totally fine.”