Dear Sir/Madam (preferably Sir),
Please find enclosed the curriculum vitae of Nicholas Albion Bulldog Griffin III. I have decided that your company/political party/internet forum of disgruntled cab drivers would benefit from the strong leadership I can provide.
I am a charismatic, eloquent individual (see attached Question Time clip) with vast experience of public speaking whilst dodging missiles.
I look forward to hearing from you immediately otherwise I will assume it is because I am not black, Jewish or in possession of a vagina.
Name: Nicholas Albion Bulldog Griffin III
Date of birth: Waxing moon, season of the squirrel (using the druid calendar of my true ancestors).
Address: To be disclosed once I am satisfied you are not just going to push excrement through my letterbox. That has happened before.
Education: 5 O Levels at ‘C’ or above including maths, English (obviously) and woodwork (see enclosed photo of enormous wooden cross). Cambridge University: 2.2 degree awarded on the agreement I left and never came back.
1970-1990: Various positions in a political party. I’d rather not discuss which one but it wasn’t local and it wasn’t the back, if you catch my drift.
1990-1993: Definitely not sponging off my parents.
1993 2014: Various positions in the British National Party.
George Cross purchasing
Running workshops including I’m not racist, but discuss
Sitting in the European Parliament, eyeing everybody suspiciously with my hand on my wallet
Glorious leader (deposed)
Desktop publishing (see attached leaflet ‘Imagine if your daughter married Lenny Henry?’).
Organisational aptitude under challenging circumstances such as having to explain everything to staff in really short words.
Hot drink preparation.
Long country walks wishing it was the 1700s again.
Reading German autobiographies of the 1920s.
Listening to dub reggae (please do not disclose this to any third party).