Nick Griffin's CV

Dear Sir/Madam (preferably Sir),

Please find enclosed the curriculum vitae of Nicholas Albion Bulldog Griffin III. I have decided that your company/political party/internet forum of disgruntled cab drivers would benefit from the strong leadership I can provide.

I am a charismatic, eloquent individual (see attached Question Time clip) with vast experience of public speaking whilst dodging missiles.

I look forward to hearing from you immediately otherwise I will assume it is because I am not black, Jewish or in possession of a vagina.

Name: Nicholas Albion Bulldog Griffin III

Date of birth: Waxing moon, season of the squirrel (using the druid calendar of my true ancestors).

Address: To be disclosed once I am satisfied you are not just going to push excrement through my letterbox. That has happened before.

Education: 5 O Levels at ‘C’ or above including maths, English (obviously) and woodwork (see enclosed photo of enormous wooden cross). Cambridge University: 2.2 degree awarded on the agreement I left and never came back.


1970-1990: Various positions in a political party. I’d rather not discuss which one but it wasn’t local and it wasn’t the back, if you catch my drift.

1990-1993: Definitely not sponging off my parents.

1993 – 2014: Various positions in the British National Party.
Duties included:
George Cross purchasing
Running workshops including “I’m not racist, but – discuss”
Sitting in the European Parliament, eyeing everybody suspiciously with my hand on my wallet
Glorious leader (deposed)


Desktop publishing (see attached leaflet ‘Imagine if your daughter married Lenny Henry?’).

Organisational aptitude under challenging circumstances such as having to explain everything to staff in really short words.

Hot drink preparation.


Long country walks wishing it was the 1700s again.

Reading German autobiographies of the 1920s.

Listening to dub reggae (please do not disclose this to any third party).

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McIlroy's dad puts £100,000 on him burning out by 30

GERRY McIlroy has bet the money he won on his son’s Open victory on him never winning a major ever again.

After winning £100,000 on a £10 bet made when Rory was only 15, the golfer’s father was straight down the bookies to put the lot on a forthcoming irreversible decline.

Gerry said: “There are very few golfing greats who win major after major, and my son is definitely not one of them.

“With this one under his belt he’s all set to believe the hype, ignore his caddy, get the yips in his swing and throw it all away, which means a massive cash jackpot for yours truly.

“I’ve filled the Claret Jug with liquid ecstasy to get him started.”

The bet follows the example of Kultida Woods, mother of Tiger, who won an estimated $60 million gambling on her son’s career.

She said: “I did an unusual two-way accumulator: I bet he’d win 14 majors before he was 32, and then that he wouldn’t win any after that.

“2009 was a very nervous year because it looked like he’d been trained too well, but thankfully it all fell apart on schedule.

“Thank God for skanks.”