Now seems a good time to tell you William’s my real dad and that’s not the half of it, by Prince Harry

By Prince Harry

DEAR Meghan, there’s probably a couple of things I should quickly mention before this goes any further.

With things becoming more serious between us, I thought it was time to clear up a few of my family’s eccentricities. Firstly, you might have noticed that my ‘brother’ William looks 20 years older than me. That’s because he’s my real dad.

You don’t need to know the full details, it’s all to do with bloodlines and whatnot. Anyway William is a really cool dad with his own helicopter, so it’s all fine. What else?

Oh yes, as you correctly observed that weird sticky stuff served at dinner last week was plankton. It’s all Uncle Edward can eat because of his part-fish DNA, which also explains why he has to be wheeled around in that tank. I can’t even go there on that one, it’s just one of those things nobody really mentions. It’s best you don’t look him in the eye, which also applies to Camilla who is a renowned ’neck-biter’.

The reason all the palace bed sheets are papered with that silver foil is because Philip, who may or may not be my grandfather, insists that it deflects witch doctors’ curses. He’s really paranoid about curses but after what happened with Princess Michael’s butler and the spear you can’t really blame him.

I think those are the main things for now, apart from that weird-looking corgi. You know how you said it looked like an old lady? Well it’s all to do with keeping great-granny’s head alive until they can find a healthy young woman’s body to transplant it onto. But you don’t need to worry about that for the time being.