Now seems a good time to tell you William’s my real dad and that’s not the half of it, by Prince Harry

By Prince Harry

DEAR Meghan, there’s probably a couple of things I should quickly mention before this goes any further.

With things becoming more serious between us, I thought it was time to clear up a few of my family’s eccentricities. Firstly, you might have noticed that my ‘brother’ William looks 20 years older than me. That’s because he’s my real dad.

You don’t need to know the full details, it’s all to do with bloodlines and whatnot. Anyway William is a really cool dad with his own helicopter, so it’s all fine. What else?

Oh yes, as you correctly observed that weird sticky stuff served at dinner last week was plankton. It’s all Uncle Edward can eat because of his part-fish DNA, which also explains why he has to be wheeled around in that tank. I can’t even go there on that one, it’s just one of those things nobody really mentions. It’s best you don’t look him in the eye, which also applies to Camilla who is a renowned ’neck-biter’.

The reason all the palace bed sheets are papered with that silver foil is because Philip, who may or may not be my grandfather, insists that it deflects witch doctors’ curses. He’s really paranoid about curses but after what happened with Princess Michael’s butler and the spear you can’t really blame him.

I think those are the main things for now, apart from that weird-looking corgi. You know how you said it looked like an old lady? Well it’s all to do with keeping great-granny’s head alive until they can find a healthy young woman’s body to transplant it onto. But you don’t need to worry about that for the time being.

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Impudent rebel slug refusing to vacate kitchen

A REBELLIOUS slug has been found gliding confidently across a kitchen floor long after it should have gone back to wherever slugs live.

The lone gastropod contravened the centuries-old slug-human pact, which states that all slugs must completely disappear from sight by daybreak or pay the ultimate price of having salt put on them.

Homeowner Emma Bradford said: “I went down to make a cup of tea and it was just nonchalantly sliding past the cat’s bowl with the confident self-assurance of a slug version of Beyonce.

“He or she really needs to go back to where he or she came from. I don’t mean leaving Britain or anything, just into the garden would be fine.

Bradford added: “I have no idea what those slugs get up to in the kitchen at night but it looked to me like a classic walk of shame.”

Slug Roy Hobbs said: “It was a wild night. Let’s just say that shimmery trail may not have been slime.”