Six alternative careers for Theresa May

DESPITE the prime minister’s limpet-like determination to hang on, it could be time for her to think about a career change. Here are some suggestions.

Automated rail announcer
May’s robotic speaking style is perfect for tedious announcements like “The 14.32 to Wigan is now ready to depart”. She’s also so boring she’d probably get really into it.

Cold caller
Two key aspects of cold-calling sales jobs are repeating the same script endlessly and people wishing you’d fuck off.

BBC sci-fi villain
May already has the clothes for a remake of Blake’s 7 or a role in Doctor Who. All she needs now is a bollocks sci-fi name like ‘Mayvolarax’ and a clearly flawed plan, eg. creating an army of power-crazed androids who NEVER turn against their boss.

Norma Desmond-style recluse
Like the faded film star, May could retreat to a mansion and fantasise about returning to politics. Sadly she doesn’t have a gift for iconic dialogue like “I am big. It’s the pictures that got small” and would just keep repeating “lawsmoneyborders” over and over again.

Dickens character
It’s worryingly easy to imagine May as the cruel governess of a home for orphans. Possibly called ‘Miss Jabgrind’, she would have entitled little shits like Oliver Twist deported.

Brexit minister
Not the top job, admittedly, but with so much Brexit experience under her belt there’s surely no way she could fuck it up.