Swiss roll and eight other hot new cultural trends for 2020

Style-based amputations
The increasingly tired beard/tattoo look becomes neo-pirate with the addition of wooden legs and designer hand hooks.

Londoners living on public transport
Tenants sleep sitting up under blankets as the bus drives around until 7am, when it stops at McDonalds for breakfast and urination.

Sex doll industry to produce flirty, latex colleagues for lonely home workers
People who work alone will buy realistic rubbery colleagues including Team Leader and Moderately Attractive Accounts Person with optional vibrating genitals.

Word of the Year to be indistinct grunt of thwarted sexual desire
“Frnnnggghh”

All NHS staff to wear creepy baby masks
The government launches a £5bn campaign to mess with everyone’s heads.

Food trend: Pop-up cafes that only sell chocolate swiss roll

Music trend: Pitched-down, drugged-out remixes of songs from The Greatest Showman

Fashion trend: Leather elbow patches with question marks on them

Fetishised body part: Fourth smallest toe

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Middle class family gagging to dig out wooden sleigh

A BOURGEOIS family is desperate for it to start snowing so they can show off their vintage wooden sleigh.

The Johnson family from Bath bought the sleigh with iron runners from the Guardian’s lifestyle section last December, and since then have been champing at the bit to get it out.

Mum Francesca Johnson said: “For the best part of a year it’s been gathering dust in the den, along with other purchases we haven’t had a chance to use like the eco-friendly yoga mat and the handcrafted steel drums.

“My kids have been asking me what’s the point in us owning something needlessly fancy with limited use if we can’t rub it in other people’s faces, and I honestly don’t have an answer.

“I keep telling them it’ll be worth it when the time comes. All the state school children will be sliding about on plastic toboggans from WHSmith, then we’ll glide in and wipe the smiles from their faces.

“We’ll call it ‘this old thing’ as if it’s no big deal.

“If the worst comes to the worst we’ll have to take it on our next skiing holiday then splash photos all over Facebook.”

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