Thursday, 2nd April 2020

Swiss roll and eight other hot new cultural trends for 2020

Style-based amputations
The increasingly tired beard/tattoo look becomes ‘neo-pirate’ with the addition of wooden legs and designer hand hooks.

Londoners living on public transport
Tenants sleep sitting up under blankets as the bus drives around until 7am, when it stops at McDonald’s for breakfast and urination.

Sex doll industry to produce flirty, latex colleagues for lonely home workers
People who work alone will buy realistic rubbery colleagues including ‘Team Leader’ and ‘Moderately Attractive Accounts Person’ with optional vibrating genitals.

Word of the Year to be indistinct grunt of thwarted sexual desire

All NHS staff to wear ‘creepy baby’ masks
The government launches a £5bn campaign to mess with everyone’s heads.

Food trend:  Pop-up cafes that only sell chocolate swiss roll

Music trend: Pitched-down, drugged-out remixes of songs from The Greatest Showman

Fashion trend: Leather elbow patches with question marks on them

Fetishised body part: Fourth smallest toe