The five habits of highly effective time-wasters

DICKING around does not just happen – you have to know your stuff. Here’s a five point guide to wasting time like a champion.

Ignore all inquiries
Highly effective time-wasters know the importance of avoiding busy people who want to actually get things done. Let emails build up before deleting dozens at the same time and blaming it on some twat from IT.

Put ‘make a list’ at the top of your to-do list
Making a list of what you do not intend to achieve can use up half a day, as long as you don’t rush it. If you can’t immediately think of anything leave it and go for a coffee and then a massage, but say it’s a dental appointment.

Toilet breaks are your bread and butter
Always, always do your shits at work. This is basic stuff, but those hours really add up. Even if you do not have one ready, go to the toilet anyway. You’ve heard the phrase ‘shit or get off the pot’ – here is an opportunity to do neither.

Just go to bed
The earlier you go to bed, the bigger the opportunity to go on your phone and scroll through the same two or three apps until exhaustion forces you into unsatisfying, fitful sleep.

Get convicted of a medium-level crime
Anything with a custodial sentence will do. ‘Sorry I couldn’t attend the marketing brainstorm session, I was doing 18 months for insurance fraud’.

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Brussels Airport invests in massive 'f**k off, we're keeping the backstop' sign

BRUSSELS Airport is to save everyone’s time by erecting a 40ft high illuminated sign reading ‘Fuck off, we’re keeping the backstop’. 

The move follows excitable British discussions about how much support Theresa May would enjoy if she only did the thing she cannot do. 

Senior MEP Guy Verhofstadt said: “We’ve been paying a man to stand at arrivals with this sign since February last year – actually three men, in eight-hour shifts – so at the very least we’re saving their wages. 

“The idea is that May gets off her plane, stoked up with the false promises of lunatics, sees the sign, comes to her senses and flies home immediately. 

“If this does not work we have roadside billboards on the route to the European Parliament with slogans including ‘You agreed to this deal’, ‘Why are you here?’ and ‘Don’t knock. We’re not in’.” 

He added: “Or an entire continent could change its mind because of 45 angry British MPs. That seems likely.”