Does the stress of your job make you fantasise about slaying your colleagues?

Does the stress of your job make you fantasise about slaying your colleagues in a blood-spattered frenzy?

It’s perfectly normal, but bad for your blood pressure. Here’s how to release that pent up fury without resorting to the momentarily sweet release of jamming your hand in the shredder.

Learn how to relax…
With alcohol. Whether you’re pouring vodka in your mid-morning cuppa or getting so hammered every night that the days slip by in a fog of nausea and stabbing head pain, you’ll barely notice that you’re actually at work.

Take regular breaks…
And mindlessly surf the internet for hours on end. If your boss spies on you and catches you looking at porn, your work stress will be over sooner than you think.

Talk to your line manager…
About all of the ways you have imagined murdering fat Simon who spits when he talks. Whether your manager agrees he should die and allows you to let off some psychotic steam or becomes concerned and signs you off sick, it’s a win-win situation.

Create an oasis of calm in your mind…
By fantasising about all of the different ways you could die and avoid having to stay at your desk until 5.30pm. Like Buddhist monks who meditate on death, you’ll begin to recognise that life is too short for the endless mind numbing tedium of work.

Go for a walk…
Straight out of the door, to the nearest Tesco for a four pack of celebratory Special Brew, then all the way home. And don’t go back.

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Pro-Brexit MP explodes in Commons

A PRO-BREXIT MP has exploded mid-speech in the House of Commons. 

Julian Cook, member for Mole Valley, was simultaneously claiming that the leaked Brexit impact report was a fake, that it jeopardised negotiations and that it did not exist when he detonated, spattering MPs in a 25ft radius with viscera and pinstripes.

Deputy speaker Denys Finch-Hatton said: “These Brexiters are under tremendous internal pressure, attempting to disregard their previously rock-solid faith that business knows everything, while flooding their systems with high-octane xenophobia, and they’re just not equipped to handle the contradiction.

“It’s alright for David Davis. None of it goes in. But some of these gentlemen have working brains, and the more strain they’re under the more spontaneous explosions we’ll see.

“And it’s not just Tories. When Labour MPs try to understand whatever the fuck Corbyn’s Brexit position is, their temples begin to bulge ominously. Luckily most of them don’t bother.”

The number of exploding MPs is expected to increase to approximately four per week by October, after which Britain will be governed by whatever is left.