IT’S time to practise the ancient art of wooing, even if you are in a relationship which normally requires no effort whatsoever.
Home-made cards have an unbeatable personal touch. But if you lack drawing skills break into a school, steal a biology textbook and cut out a diagram illustrating sexual intercourse. Simply paste it onto a piece of cereal box with an arrow and the word ‘love’ highlighting the interlocking genitals.
Should you lack the ability to make or buy a card, an even easier way to let someone know you’re interested is to stare at them.
If dining out, assert your dominance by letting your partner know that the more expensive things on the menu are off-limits.
When the food arrives, set the tone for an erotically charged evening by saying, ‘The train has pulled into yummy town’ in a high-pitched voice.
Conceal any awkward silences by saying ‘well, this is awkward’.
Always reassure your date when leaving the table by explaining that it is time for a tinkle or a big job.
After dinner, it’s home for mints and intercourse. Keep the conversation going during sex by saying, ‘This is great, we’re actually doing it, what a pleasant surprise’.