The Daily Mash Guide to Wooing

IT’S  time to practise the ancient art of wooing, even if you are in a relationship which normally requires no effort whatsoever.

Home-made cards have an unbeatable personal touch. But if you lack drawing skills break into a school, steal a biology textbook and cut out a diagram illustrating sexual intercourse. Simply paste it onto a piece of cereal box with an arrow and the word ‘love’ highlighting the interlocking genitals.

Should you lack the ability to make or buy a card, an even easier way to let someone know you’re interested is to stare at them.

If dining out, assert your dominance by letting your partner know that the more expensive things on the menu are off-limits.

When the food arrives, set the tone for an erotically charged evening by saying, ‘The train has pulled into yummy town’ in a high-pitched voice.

Conceal any awkward silences by saying ‘well, this is awkward’.

Always reassure your date when leaving the table by explaining that it is time for a tinkle or a big job.

After dinner, it’s home for mints and intercourse. Keep the conversation going during sex by saying, ‘This is great, we’re actually doing it, what a pleasant surprise’.

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Bikini photos show Kate's massive buttocks

NEW paparazzi photos of the Duchess of Cambridge show that her buttocks are now huge.

The intrusive pictures, taken while Kate walked on a Caribbean beach, reveal that pregnancy is playing havoc with her formerly trim figure.

Published by magazines in tawdry, disrespectful countries, the images also show the Duchess carrying two buckets which seem to contain chocolate eclairs.

Royal-watcher, Martin Bishop, said: “She manages to struggle along the beach – the buckets are obviously very heavy – before choosing a nice spot and then digging a big hole in the sand.

“She then gets in the hole, gets nice and comfy and just starts ramming the eclairs into her face.

“It’s like she’s trying to win a contest.”

Bishop added: “Then she lies flat on her back for about 20 minutes until a Special Branch team heaves her onto an upright trolley and wheels her back to the villa.

“She looked really happy.”