'The Suffragettes were proper women, not like these mouthy tarts today'

By Roy Hobbs, Daily Mail reader and ‘proper feminist’

YESTERDAY we celebrated one hundred years since women got the right to vote. But to my eyes there is little to celebrate. 

Because, a century after those proud, courageous but always ladylike campaigners gracefully won their cause, today’s women are raucous, disrespectful and often downright rude.

The Suffragettes didn’t make a show of themselves, unlike these gold-digging sluts in the #MeToo movement. They didn’t disrupt or ruin events the nation enjoys. They didn’t abandon their children for their ‘careers’.

Women back then had the wisdom to know that shrieking like a bunch of hysterical harridans would not get them what they wanted.

Instead, led by the redoubtable Mrs Winifred Banks of Cherry Tree Lane, they protested peacefully with delightful hand-made VOTES FOR WOMEN signs until their decorum changed the minds of Parliament, and indeed the whole country.

How unlike today’s tarts, drunk on Bacardi Breezers and demanding equal pay when they are so self-evidently less than equal. Flaunting their whoredom in tight leggings then having the cheek to claim they are treated as sex objects.

I know, from reading the Daily Mail, that real women don’t get their way by screeching and smashing windows. Real women get their way by using their feminine wiles to manipulate their menfolk into doing the right thing – and even thinking it was their idea!

And that, for me, is the lesson that women of today should learn from the Suffragettes.

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It's too late to plan a romantic Valentine's Day so you've fucked up, say experts

IF you have not yet planned Valentine’s Day for your loved one, you have already fucked up and they will know it, experts have confirmed.

The Institute of Studies found that anyone wanting not to piss off their partner has already organised a playful, romantic and bespoke present and accompanying date, and that those who have not should prepare for retribution.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “All the nice restaurants have been booked, so it’s Pizza Express and a week of resentment for you ‘non-planners’.

“It’s too late to order a personalised bracelet or cuff links or cheese board and don’t even think about going through your holiday photos to make a coaster with your faces on. It’s not going to happen now and you know it.

“If you’re completely stuck for ideas, a marriage proposal is always a quick fix and one that requires surprisingly little thought. For those already married, a strong fall back option is a cinema trip, to minimise time spent being irritated by everything your partner says. “

He added:“Accept that this year you’ll be the one hurriedly buying a card and a bag of foil-wrapped heart shaped chocolates in the M&S Simply Food at your local train station. Best to prepare your apology and manage your expectations for the passive aggressive sex that your behaviour warrants.”