What people say about your child and what they actually mean

YOUR children are just as awful as everyone else’s, whatever your friends may be saying to your face. Here’s how to decode the euphemisms they use to describe your offspring.

‘Lively’: dreadful little shit

‘Creative’: insane

‘Good talker’: Shut. The f*ck. Up.

‘Thinker’: kind of weird

‘Hilarious’: not remotely hilarious

‘Determined’: pathologically selfish

“Free spirit’: insane

‘Old soul’: creepy as f*ck

And remember ‘He/She looks just like you’ isn’t necessarily a compliment.

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Everyday pricks distance themselves from Trump

SOME of Britain’s most unbearable pricks have confirmed that they find Donald Trump’s level of dickishness excessive.

Pricks who normally rejoice in such qualities as arrogance, bigotry and needless pig-headed aggression have distanced themselves from the US president.

Tom Booker, who owns 400 buy-to-let properties and drives a Jaguar with a customised hood ornament, said: “I am a prick. I have a number of blinkered views and am generally hostile towards the underdog in any situation.

“However Trump is taking prick behaviour too far, something I never thought was possible.

“I’ve always rejoiced in being a prick. Only last week I dicked a single mum out of her deposit by claiming she had damaged a radiator, but it appears I have my limits.”

Advertising executive Norman Steele said: “I’d fuck anyone over at the drop of a hat, but I don’t want to be lumped in with this guy.

“Bear in mind that last year I made an advert for a website called ‘Fanny Finder’.”