SERIOUSLY, what the fuck did you eat last night? All you know is that your mouth tastes like Merthyr Tydfil. Take our quick test and see if that gives you any ideas (assuming that you actually want to know what the fuck you ate last night)
Did it have a face?
A. I think it was a burger. I think…
B. God, it did. And it spoke. It wasn’t in English. May not have even been human but it spoke.
Was it from a reputable takeaway place?
A. Yeah, they’re alright in that place. Good reviews online and that. Still not a hundred percent sure if it was a burger or not though.
B. Does the alleyway round the back of a Wetherspoons count as reputable? The Wetherspoons itself certainly isn’t but…
Could you recognise the meat group that it came from?
A. Beef. No, pork. No, definitely chicken. It was a meat burger, I’m like 80% sure of that. Ish.
B. It wasn’t a rat. Rats have much kinder eyes than whatever this thing was.
Mostly As: Don’t worry too much, you just ate something that was probably a burger.
Mostly Bs: You must call an ambulance now. Best of luck.