What's the best ice cream to give your kid a hyperactive shit fit?

WHICH sweet frozen treat will most effectively turn your little angel into the maniacal spawn of Satan? Find out with this simple test.

How filling do you want the ice cream to be?

A. Something light because we’re going out to dinner and we’re keen for our child to run around the restaurant punching the wall and trying to climb in the fish tank.

B. Something filling, I forgot to do a shop so this has to double up as a full meal.

C. This is a bedtime snack, so ideally it should keep them full until morning.

What kind of sticky mess would you like your kid to make?

A. Syrupy, gloopy and brightly coloured.

B. Full on ice cream moustache with some bonus chocolatey hand prints.

C. It would make a nice change if the vomit I have to clean up is bright and interesting.

Are you the one looking after your kid later?

A. Yes, on my own. 

B. Yes, but I have help.

C. Dear God, no, this is the nanny’s problem. 

Mostly As: Calippo – also known as a ‘meltdown stick’ it has two different kinds of sugary syrup, in case one wasn’t enough to ruin your nice day out in the park. 

Mostly Bs: Cornetto – work your kid up into a hysterical mess with this sickly cone of mayhem.

Mostly Cs: Fab – each one of those hundreds and thousands contains the recommended daily sugar intake of a bison.

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Couple only see friends so they can slag them off afterwards

A COUPLE only see their friends so they can slag them off on the drive home, they have admitted.

Tom Booker and Emma Bradford make plans most weekends to catch up with people from work or university, and then verbally dismantle them in the car afterwards.

Bradford said: “It’s the only thing keeping our friendships alive. There’s no way I’d bother spending money on their weddings and birthdays otherwise.

“We just had a lovely meal with an old college friend, Maria, whose hair makes her look like an alien abductee. Her husband Tony’s a plumber and almost certainly a porn addict.”

The couple have been pulling their acquaintances to pieces after every interaction for the last six years, and have no plans to stop.

Booker said: “Brunch is the perfect time to meet up because you basically get a whole day afterwards talk about how Darren was wearing tight Chinos from TK Maxx and Susan is definitely shagging her pilates teacher.

“Some people might think this is all a bit out of order, but they don’t know our friends. They can be very bitchy.”