Sunday, 8th December 2019

Which Marvel Superheroes are Britain's politicians?

BORIS Johnson is thick and smashes everything like the Hulk, but which Marvel characters are analogous to Britain's leading politicians?

Nigel Farage is CAPTAIN AMERICA Frozen in time from the 1940s when everyone smoked, female employees were encouraged with slaps on the bottom and racism was just common sense, Farage loves America more than he can say and will fight any hero who stops him making Britain into it. 

Jacob Rees-Mogg is LOKI Thinks he’s clever, talks all Shakespearean, but whenever he’s near a scepter of power or ceremonial mace manages to bugger everything up. Irritatingly, never quite dies. 

Dominic Raab is HAWKEYE Nobody needs Hawkeye. A man who shoots arrows wouldn’t provide a tactical advantage in World War One, let alone against Thanos/the EU. But he thinks he’s hard and might come in useful as cannon fodder someday, so he’s on the team. 

Arlene Foster is DOCTOR DOOM Like Doom, Foster’s face is covered by an emotionless metal mask and she rules her little-understood nation with an iron hand and sorcery. Will betray anyone who makes a deal with her. 

Jo Swinson is CAPTAIN MARVEL Both are relatively unknown, both enrage gammons just by existing, and nobody’s really sure what either of them have to do with the plot so they’ll probably end up getting quietly written out. 

Jeremy Corbyn is THE WATCHER Labour leader Corbyn is undoubtedly The Watcher, a large-headed alien who stands on the moon intensely observing all human affairs but forbidden to interfere. At moments of great crisis, like Brexit, he appears in the sky but still does nothing.