Which patronising local greeting are you using?

ARE you fond of ‘authentic’ regional greetings that make you sound like a character from Coronation Street? Here’s a complete list from around the UK.


It’s unclear why the people of the Potteries refer to each other as waterfowl. Some linguists believe it is a version of ‘Duke’ but an alternative explanation is that Stokies simply have webbed feet.


Implying you are someone’s lover when you aren’t is already quite stalkerish, but saying it in a West Country accent makes you sound like Fred West.


Supremely irritating chirpy Northernism. Favoured by people who desperately want you to know they’re from the North and come across like Victoria Wood crossed with Brian Clough even though they are a fucking university lecturer.


Plymouth slang derived from Plymouthians deep – some would say too deep – love of the popular local seabird.


Norwich slang for ‘my dear good friend’. So widely used that locals will be deeply offended if you do not say things like: “Pint of Stella and a medium chardonnay, bastardo!”

Star Lord

Ubiquitous throughout North Wales, ‘Star Lord’ denotes friendliness or gratitude, as in the following exchange: “D’you want your fringe a bit shorter?”, “No, that’s just right, Star Lord.”

Massive shiteball

Originating in the west of Scotland, this greeting is used in all situations to show deep affection, eg. “Happy birthday, Nana, ya massive shiteball.”

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Corbyn under pressure to remove head from arse

JEREMY Corbyn is under increasing pressure to remove his head from his rectum and do something about Brexit.

Campaigners for a second referendum fear the Labour leader may not be fully aware of the risks facing the UK from within the enclosed space of his own anal cavity.

Remainer Donna Sheridan said: “You can’t follow complex issues like the Irish border and leaving the customs union with your head inside your anus.

“Sure, your own arse is a safe, comforting place to be, but how are you meant to judge the public mood? Unless he’s got a TV up there too, which would be incredibly painful.”

However Momentum member Tom Logan said: “Jeremy’s insertion of his head into his own bunghole just shows how incredibly self-sacrificing and principled he is. He’s a man of his own anus.”

With Brexit rapidly approaching, some Labour party members now want a vote on forcibly removing Corbyn’s head with a shoe horn and some Vaseline.