Which patronising local greeting are you using?

ARE you fond of ‘authentic’ regional greetings that make you sound like a character from Coronation Street? Here’s a complete list from around the UK.


It’s unclear why the people of the Potteries refer to each other as waterfowl. Some linguists believe it is a version of ‘Duke’ but an alternative explanation is that Stokies simply have webbed feet.


Implying you are someone’s lover when you aren’t is already quite stalkerish, but saying it in a West Country accent makes you sound like Fred West.


Supremely irritating chirpy Northernism. Favoured by people who desperately want you to know they’re from the North and come across like Victoria Wood crossed with Brian Clough even though they are a fucking university lecturer.


Plymouth slang derived from Plymouthians deep – some would say too deep – love of the popular local seabird.


Norwich slang for ‘my dear good friend’. So widely used that locals will be deeply offended if you do not say things like: “Pint of Stella and a medium chardonnay, bastardo!”

Star Lord

Ubiquitous throughout North Wales, ‘Star Lord’ denotes friendliness or gratitude, as in the following exchange: “D’you want your fringe a bit shorter?”, “No, that’s just right, Star Lord.”

Massive shiteball

Originating in the west of Scotland, this greeting is used in all situations to show deep affection, eg. “Happy birthday, Nana, ya massive shiteball.”