Who or what will be the next leader of UKIP?

A Red Squirrel 5/1

Deeply concerned about immigration due to ongoing conflict with foreign species. Can store nuts in face.

Mike Ashley 7/1

The Sports Direct boss has a neck wider than his head, a look that resonates strongly with UKIP voters.

Alan Bennett 500,000,000/1

Would be the first award-winning playwright to hold a major role in UKIP, a pedigree which would appeal to those in the party who can read. His work often portrays social outsiders and people who are disappointed with their lives, something many within the party can relate to. 

Arsene Wenger 600/1

Experienced. Successful. Foreign.

Prince George 7/2

Small, hostile and dapper, George is believed to have the Queen’s ear. There are concerns that he has not yet mastered using adult toilets but this was never an obstacle for Farage.

Holly Willoughby 8/3

Looks like a UKIP voter’s drawing of a fantasy barmaid. Also has surprisingly strong views on the taxation of foreign potatoes.

George Monbiot 80/1

The Guardian columnist is a surprisingly tenacious pub brawler and once banged out Ian McEwan following a journalism masterclass in Islington. Could be the man to get UKIP members using Ecover washing up liquid.

Sarah Beeney 25/1

A favourite of UKIP’s buy-to-let contingent, property tycoon Beeney has strong plastering skills and is highly invested in the future of England because she has a shitload of kids.

Nigella Farage 2/1

After quitting the party to undergo gender reassignment surgery and launch a range of evening gowns for the taller lady, the former leader is a strong bet to return with a radical feminist agenda and flattering ‘bob’ haircut.