Who or what will be the next leader of UKIP?

A Red Squirrel 5/1

Deeply concerned about immigration due to ongoing conflict with foreign species. Can store nuts in face.

Mike Ashley 7/1

The Sports Direct boss has a neck wider than his head, a look that resonates strongly with UKIP voters.

Alan Bennett 500,000,000/1

Would be the first award-winning playwright to hold a major role in UKIP, a pedigree which would appeal to those in the party who can read. His work often portrays social outsiders and people who are disappointed with their lives, something many within the party can relate to. 

Arsene Wenger 600/1

Experienced. Successful. Foreign.

Prince George 7/2

Small, hostile and dapper, George is believed to have the Queen’s ear. There are concerns that he has not yet mastered using adult toilets but this was never an obstacle for Farage.

Holly Willoughby 8/3

Looks like a UKIP voter’s drawing of a fantasy barmaid. Also has surprisingly strong views on the taxation of foreign potatoes.

George Monbiot 80/1

The Guardian columnist is a surprisingly tenacious pub brawler and once banged out Ian McEwan following a journalism masterclass in Islington. Could be the man to get UKIP members using Ecover washing up liquid.

Sarah Beeney 25/1

A favourite of UKIP’s buy-to-let contingent, property tycoon Beeney has strong plastering skills and is highly invested in the future of England because she has a shitload of kids.

Nigella Farage 2/1

After quitting the party to undergo gender reassignment surgery and launch a range of evening gowns for the taller lady, the former leader is a strong bet to return with a radical feminist agenda and flattering ‘bob’ haircut.

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Investigation launched into who put Sonic Youth song on party playlist

AN INVESTIGATION has been launched into who put a 12-minute Sonic Youth song onto a party playlist.

Housewarming host Wayne Hayes allowed friends to put songs on his Spotify playlist but someone made the insane decision to include one of Sonic Youth’s longer songs, The Diamond Sea, leading angry guests to demand an explanation.

Hayes said: “Who the hell are Sonic Moose anyway? I’ve never heard of them and nor have my neighbours or workmates.

“I have my suspicions as to who it was but I can’t say for certain yet. Somebody was trying to be impressive but it backfired and now we want blood.”

Hayes’s colleague Stephen Malley said: “That Sonic Youth song was crap and it really killed the whole mood of the party.

It definitely wasn’t me who put it on either as if I was going to put a Sonic Youth song on it would have been Dirty Boots or Candle.

Or The Diamond Sea…no, I mean, Superstar not The Diamond Sea. I’ve never heard of The Diamond Sea.”