WITH very obvious tastes, gammons are piss-easy to buy Christmas presents for. Try these ideas and watch their little red faces light up even more!
A historical newspaper page. Any nostalgia will do, even if it’s not something to look back on with fondness, eg. the first V2 attack on London.
A crap book about British habits. Usually described as ‘hilarious’ because they’re not, these will contain brilliantly original observations like: ‘Britons apologise when YOU bump into THEM!!!’
British wildlife calendar. None of your flashy tigers or octopuses, just good honest frogs and sparrows.
Tickets for BBC Question Time. Requires minor planning but a wonderful gammon night out, the equivalent of going to see Chicago in the West End, if the audience was furious about it.
A pint glass. Nothing says ‘Up yours, Brussels!’ like a pint glass with a British crown stamp. If only the EU would stop not giving a shit and start feeling humiliated by this.
Any 1970s sitcom box set. Gammons develop a sudden love of any old TV show that isn’t ‘woke’. Usually these aren’t funny in the least, so you’ll be able to pick one up cheap.
Retro British sweets. A huge selection of 99 per cent sugar fizz bombs, aniseed balls, etc. will take gammons back to an imaginary better time. A Braun Oral-B toothbrush would be a good addition, but no need to waste your money on German rubbish.
London tourist tat. Once sneered at, a plastic beefeater salt and pepper set or a highly toxic Tower Bridge snow globe are now fine patriotic gifts.
A model Spitfire. You simply cannot go wrong with this. If they’ve already got one, confusingly a German panzer will probably be fine too.
A personal message from Nigel Farage. Near enough to a concert ticket that enables fans to meet Adele backstage for 30 seconds. Be careful your gammon doesn’t faint.
DVD of a good British film. Well, British. Or ‘British-themed’. No need to pay more for Powell and Pressburger classics when there’s Escape to Victory.
Put a Union Jack on anything. Companies are claiming everything from honey to chilli sauce is uniquely British because it’s made here. Some Union Jack stickers and hey presto: traditional English Blue Dragon satay sauce.