12 Christmas gift ideas for the gammon in your life

WITH very obvious tastes, gammons are piss-easy to buy Christmas presents for. Try these ideas and watch their little red faces light up even more!

A historical newspaper page. Any nostalgia will do, even if it’s not something to look back on with fondness, eg. the first V2 attack on London.

A crap book about British habits. Usually described as ‘hilarious’ because they’re not, these will contain brilliantly original observations like: ‘Britons apologise when YOU bump into THEM!!!’

British wildlife calendar. None of your flashy tigers or octopuses, just good honest frogs and sparrows.

Tickets for BBC Question Time. Requires minor planning but a wonderful gammon night out, the equivalent of going to see Chicago in the West End, if the audience was furious about it.

A pint glass. Nothing says ‘Up yours, Brussels!’ like a pint glass with a British crown stamp. If only the EU would stop not giving a shit and start feeling humiliated by this.

Any 1970s sitcom box set. Gammons develop a sudden love of any old TV show that isn’t ‘woke’. Usually these aren’t funny in the least, so you’ll be able to pick one up cheap. 

Retro British sweets. A huge selection of 99 per cent sugar fizz bombs, aniseed balls, etc. will take gammons back to an imaginary better time. A Braun Oral-B toothbrush would be a good addition, but no need to waste your money on German rubbish.

London tourist tat. Once sneered at, a plastic beefeater salt and pepper set or a highly toxic Tower Bridge snow globe are now fine patriotic gifts.

A model Spitfire. You simply cannot go wrong with this. If they’ve already got one, confusingly a German panzer will probably be fine too. 

A personal message from Nigel Farage. Near enough to a concert ticket that enables fans to meet Adele backstage for 30 seconds. Be careful your gammon doesn’t faint.

DVD of a good British film. Well, British. Or ‘British-themed’. No need to pay more for Powell and Pressburger classics when there’s Escape to Victory.

Put a Union Jack on anything. Companies are claiming everything from honey to chilli sauce is uniquely British because it’s made here. Some Union Jack stickers and hey presto: traditional English Blue Dragon satay sauce.

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Woman seriously worried we're heading towards the return of one-way systems in shops

THE introduction of Plan B restrictions has left a woman terrified that little arrows could return to the floors of shops and supermarkets.

With face masks now compulsory in most indoor venues, anxious shopper Emma Bradford is concerned that the tyranny of one-way systems in supermarkets could be the next imposition to make a comeback.

Bradford said: “We’ve taken the first step down the slippery slope to Hell. Mark my words, the floors of Asda and Sainsbury’s will become a draconian police state by 2022.

“You’ll innocently pop in for some milk and bread, only to remember that you should have picked up some sugar once you’ve gone past it. Instead of just turning back you’ll have to exit the premises and start again from scratch.

“If you try to bend the rules you’ll be subject to the full force of the ‘camp guards’, by which I mean a shop assistant looking at you in a disapproving but bored way.

“I don’t object to the principle of arrows in shops, it’s the fact that they’re mandatory which sticks in my craw. Although even if they were only advisory I probably wouldn’t obey them while chanting ‘do not comply’ into a megaphone. I’m kind of a contrarian twat like that.”

Shop assistant Martin Bishop said: “I don’t know what she’s fretting about. Even at the height of lockdown people only paid attention to one-way systems for a week. I think that’s how Delta came about.”