'Aren't headphones small now?' and four other inevitable Christmas chats

PAINFUL Christmas conversations with your relatives are a fine Christmas tradition. Brace yourself for these topics that will inevitably come up.

‘Aren’t headphones small now?’

A truly fascinating observation, usually from an older relative. But it’s a conversation and as such is bringing different generations together. Don’t bother to try and explain what a PS5 is, though. Oldies will just glaze over and wander off to try and find the bowl of walnuts they saw when they arrived.

‘Didn’t the Queen do well?’

This will be the refrain up and down the country after another incredibly bland speech by Queenie. But it’s Christmas, so resist the temptation to point out that the Queen DOES do well, thanks to having all that cash and the finest medical attention money can buy. Nod along earnestly at her references to ‘unity’ and ‘resilience’, and don’t mention Prince Andrew.

‘I’m not passing him the gravy – he might have the virus’

Wags in your family will be unable to resist quips about Covid. Refusing to pass someone the gravy really is a good one. Also prepare for gags about anyone with a slight cough. That never gets old, Uncle Dave.

‘No more plastic toys in crackers? I blame Greta Thunberg’

Due to a heady cocktail of too much wine and some misplaced anger, a relative is bound to have a rant. Focus on your sprouts or whatever film you’re watching and let your cousin Pete burble on about the least controversial environmental measure of all time – not putting crappy magnifying glasses and tiny combs in Christmas crackers.

‘So, are you seeing anyone?’

This begs the reply: “No, Auntie Sharon, I haven’t been swept off my feet this year because I haven’t left the house since March and amazingly the love of my life wasn’t hiding in my own living room.” But just spout some banality like “No, still looking for the right woman”. That is more than adequate for Christmas chats.

 

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Metropolitan daughter terrorising rural family with panettone and stollen

A METROPOLITAN daughter is terrorising her rural family by introducing them to continental Christmas food such as pannetone and stollen.

Lucy Parry, 26, arrived back at her family home last week with a selection of dry, international goods that have been received with suspicion and mistrust.

Father Roy Parry said: “Stollen? Is that the one that’s made of dry fruit and dry bread and dry icing sugar? Not a brilliant combo, that.

“I’ve forced a couple of pieces down so as not to seem like I’m being funny about it, but I feel like I’ve had a mouthful of sandpaper wrapped around marzipan.”

His wife Sheila Hollis was similarly unsettled by the authentic panettone from Italy, especially when she was instructed to spread butter on it.

She said: “I went to get the icing out because I thought they’d forgotten to do it in the shop, but apparently that’s how it’s supposed to be. And buttering a slice of cake? Madness. I’m glad we’ve left Europe.”

After an afternoon of culinary awkwardness, the family have now gone back to living entirely off Celebrations, Quality Street and mince pies.