Get your f**king tree up, Britain ordered

THE UK has been ordered to get the f**king tree up, get the lights on and get bloody Christmassy. 

Official notification has been issued that, regardless of all this election bullsh*t, Britain is to start putting tinsel around monitors at work, put a wreath of holly on the door if middle class, and to start knocking back the Baileys, or else. 

A spokesman said: “It’s December 6th and some of you still haven’t listened to Mariah Carey, let alone ‘Stay Another Day’. You’re on notice. Get it done. 

“Whether you’re going to a fancy Christmas tree farm or getting the artificial one from the loft, it needs to be up and lit by the end of the weekend. Start spending your evenings writing Christmas cards to near-strangers. Talk about little else. 

“Anyone who’s not coming home to a hallway full of brown boxes, opening them, trying to remember who they’re for and then wrapping them is doing it wrong. We are watching. If necessary we’ll visit. 

“Do a two-trolley shop. Go to a Christmas market and buy a carved wooden keyring for £12. Start scheduling relatives. Get a Radio Times then realise it’s not the Christmas one, it just has a misleading cover. 

“It’s Yuletide, motherf**kers. Get festive. That’s an order.”

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How to let yourself go without anyone noticing

IT’S is the perfect time to let yourself go. But how can you do it without too many people noticing? Here’s our guide.

Make a big show of buying fruit juice. Get the Deliveroo driver to bring you a Juice Detox Pack as well as the pizza you’ve ordered every day since October. You’re not going to drink it, but the bottles will make you look healthy and you can always top them up with booze.

Disguise body odours. Buy those charcoal pants that counterbalance the smell of flatulence but sellotape them all over your body. Now you can not bathe for weeks and still smell fresh as a daisy. Probably. If you do start to stink, give yourself a good spray with Febreze.

Claim your dishevelled appearance is ‘on trend’. If you can’t be bothered to shave or get a haircut, wave a copy of Grazia or GQ around and confidently say you are ‘going for the environmentalist chic look’, or something else made-up.

Give the impression you’re exercising. Strategically placed trainers and running kit strongly suggest you’re keeping fit. Get them a bit grubby in your garden if you can’t be bothered to even go for one jog. 

Clever make-up. Contouring make-up will make your cheekbones look defined even if you’re eating three multipacks of crisps a day. However it can be a challenge if your hands get a bit wobbly after chugging your third boozy hot chocolate of the morning.

Pretend you’re taking a break from social media. This is to “reconnect with the things that really matter”. Actually you just don’t want to post pics while you’ve got a triple chin and are spending time almost exclusively with pork products.