Saturday, 15th August 2020

Get your f**king tree up, Britain ordered

THE UK has been ordered to get the f**king tree up, get the lights on and get bloody Christmassy. 

Official notification has been issued that, regardless of all this election bullsh*t, Britain is to start putting tinsel around monitors at work, put a wreath of holly on the door if middle class, and to start knocking back the Baileys, or else. 

A spokesman said: “It’s December 6th and some of you still haven’t listened to Mariah Carey, let alone ‘Stay Another Day’. You’re on notice. Get it done. 

“Whether you’re going to a fancy Christmas tree farm or getting the artificial one from the loft, it needs to be up and lit by the end of the weekend. Start spending your evenings writing Christmas cards to near-strangers. Talk about little else. 

“Anyone who’s not coming home to a hallway full of brown boxes, opening them, trying to remember who they’re for and then wrapping them is doing it wrong. We are watching. If necessary we’ll visit. 

“Do a two-trolley shop. Go to a Christmas market and buy a carved wooden keyring for £12. Start scheduling relatives. Get a Radio Times then realise it’s not the Christmas one, it just has a misleading cover. 

“It’s Yuletide, motherf**kers. Get festive. That’s an order.”