Sunday, 27th September 2020

How the f**k is it Christmas next week? nation asks

THE entire country is sure Christmas cannot be next f**king week, can it?

Britons believe there has been some sort of problem in the space-time continuum that has led to Christmas being now.

Office worker Nikki Hollis said: “It was bonfire night, then some politics happened and now it’s a few days before Christmas and we’re expected to be drunk all the time and okay with hearing carols everywhere.

“I’m totally sure it’s around mid-November, whatever the calendars say.”

Experts confirmed that the unexpected arrival of the festive season has resulted in confused panic-buying of bizarre gift sets no one really wants and Britons failing to come up with convincing excuses to not go to their in-laws. 

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Mass panic has set in in many areas, with shoppers rushing to buy useless items such as inflatable reindeer and far too many sprouts.

“The only person unaffected is that annoying woman from work who’s still banging on about how she has had all her presents brought and wrapped since September.”