How to prepare a Boxing Day meal of leftover shit

BOXING Day meals don’t have to live up to any expectations because they’re made entirely from uneaten scraps. Here’s how to prepare one:

Remove the film from uneaten party dips

Unlike preparing a Christmas turkey, this can be done at any time of the day because it only takes seconds. Once it’s off you can immediately tuck into the four completely flavourless dips using anything from a breadstick to a chocolate bar. Don’t be afraid to get creative, nobody cares at this point.

Forget about cutlery

Who do you think you are, the Queen? Boxing Day food should only be handled with fingers and served on other, flatter pieces of food like a Jacob’s cream cracker or a Hovis biscuit. If you get tableware involved there’s a risk you might have to do the backbreaking chore of switching the dishwasher on.

Make a ‘mum curry’

Stick random bits of turkey carcass in a pot, add some medium curry powder and boil, possibly with leftover sprouts. Don’t spend more than 30 seconds on preparation because, unlike an actual curry, no one will eat it.

Loosen your belt

Chances are you’ve got a distended belly from the day before, so you’re going to have to loosen your belt or remove it entirely if you want to stuff more food in. Still finding it hard to gorge? Get into the Boxing Day spirit by taking off your jeans and pigging out in your pants.

Put the telly on

Everybody will be too bloated to f**k about with pulling crackers and reading crap jokes. Take your mind off how agonisingly full you all are by switching on the TV and gawping at whatever godawful programmes have been scheduled. With any luck this should lull you into a food coma.

Keep a jar of pickled onions in reserve

Hide them somewhere nobody would think to look, like behind a bag of salad, then crack them out for a warm up snack when you get your second wind. Their pungent stench is to Boxing Day what gingerbread and roast chestnuts are to Christmas: something truly magical.

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However many batteries you bought, it is not enough

YOU thought you were prepared. You thought you had batteries enough for beyond Christmas. But however many you had, it is not enough.

I know. I once stood where you are. I, Roy Hobbs of Warwick, once tried to provide enough batteries to feed my familiy’s insatiable desire for portable power over Yule.

I bought double As. Dozens of them. Even the bloody expensive rechargeable ones with the plug-in charger. It was not enough.

I had triple As spilling from their packets. Good Duracell ones too, not those shite Duracell ones from the pound shop that don’t last a day. It was not enough.

I even had the weird ones, the flat silver discs and the big square blocks, all kept in the back of that drawer with the old remote controls for stuff we don’t own. Tiny batteries and batteries that could power military-grade vehicles. It was not enough.

For this toy, despite having no visible need for any electronic power, requires batteries so rare they will not be sold in any supermarkets. But you will forced to go anyway.

And, when you stand in Sainsbury’s Local with the wrong battery in your hand facing a trip to B&Q, do as I did. Fake your death and escape the country. It’s easier than the f**king batteries.

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