A MAN has informed all his female acquaintances that he will be sending out dick pics rather than Christmas cards this year.
Julian Cook, aged 35 and single, believes nothing would spread glad tidings and good cheer more than a tastefully-lit shot of his erect member sent directly to every woman he knows, except his mother.
He said: “Christmas cards are so impersonal, aren’t they? And this is the very opposite.
“Everyone’s sick of snowmen and robins and reindeer and all that shit, but everyone likes dicks. Come on. Objectively, they have proven enduringly popular when compared to scenes of ice-skating.
“Plus it’s well-known that Christmas cards were invented by Queen Victoria, and also that she was obsessed with Prince Albert’s large pierced German cock, so I reckon this is what she would have sent if society hadn’t been so prudish.
“I’ve used candlelight to give it that warm festive glow, and I did try and tie a ribbon around it but that bit where you make the ribbon curly with scissors made me wince so I stopped.
“Anyway, merry Christmas everyone! If you reply I’ve got a present for you. Bet you can’t guess what it is.”