Man sending everyone dick pics this year

A MAN has informed all his female acquaintances that he will be sending out dick pics rather than Christmas cards this year.

Julian Cook, aged 35 and single, believes nothing would spread glad tidings and good cheer more than a tastefully-lit shot of his erect member sent directly to every woman he knows, except his mother.

He said: “Christmas cards are so impersonal, aren’t they? And this is the very opposite.

“Everyone’s sick of snowmen and robins and reindeer and all that shit, but everyone likes dicks. Come on. Objectively, they have proven enduringly popular when compared to scenes of ice-skating.

“Plus it’s well-known that Christmas cards were invented by Queen Victoria, and also that she was obsessed with Prince Albert’s large pierced German cock, so I reckon this is what she would have sent if society hadn’t been so prudish.

“I’ve used candlelight to give it that warm festive glow, and I did try and tie a ribbon around it but that bit where you make the ribbon curly with scissors made me wince so I stopped.

“Anyway, merry Christmas everyone! If you reply I’ve got a present for you. Bet you can’t guess what it is.”

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You don't talk to each other on buses either, Northerners told

PEOPLE from the north of England have been accused of hypocrisy due to constantly going on about how unfriendly Southerners are on public transport.

Despite claiming to be shocked by the lack of eye contact Londoners make on the Tube, Northerners will frown and glare pointedly out of the window if you try to strike up a conversation on the bus.

Southerner Stephen Malley said: “My Northern mates always say everyone is super-friendly up there. So as I got on a northbound train for a weekend in Manchester, I made sure to smile at everyone. Didn’t get much response, but I thought it was probably because they were all Southern tourists.

“When I got on the bus to my hotel, I grinned at the man next to me and said it was a shame about the weather. All I got was a dirty look. Then, on the tram, I asked a woman how her day was going. She asked me if I wanted money or something.

“Even the pedestrians looked suspicious when I bid them a cheery good evening. Then it hit me: despite there being a whole three hours’ travelling difference between north and south, we aren’t so different after all.

“Aside from Northerners being arrogant bastards who think they’re better than everyone else, of course.”