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Guardian-reading teacher suspended for tedious Facebook timeline

A TEACHER has been suspended after using her Facebook Timeline to expose pupils to the minutiae of her Guardian reading habits.

Helen Archer’s GCSE ceramics class saw attendance by 15 year-old boys fall by 80 percent after she posted intimate details of her tedious interests and dreary political hobby horses.

Headteacher, Bill MacKay, said: “We all thought those interesting H&M minisweaters and tight knee high leather boots she wore were sort of an Eva Braun thing. We’d never seen so much interest in pottery.

“But now we’ve all seen her Facebook page, it’s clear she’s actually trying to look like Sara Lund from The Killing – or as she calls it ‘Forbrydelsen’. What a maniac.”

Bereft pupil, Stephen Malley, said: “For months she never accepted my friend request so I was forced to crack off to her profile pic thumbnail – a black and white snap of her with sexy bed hair and shirt unbuttoned all the way down.

“She finally accepted me but when I got on her page, it was just screeds of stuff about Occupy, the Leveson Enquiry and statuses I should repost if I was against racism. And links to 6 Music.

“There was one article which mentioned spit roasting, but it was just some food-related bollocks that President Obama did for Devali.

“Then I realised that her profile pic is actually a photo of Rufus Wainwright, crying. I feel so violated. What the fuck am I going to do with all these plasticine cocks I made?”

The General Teaching Council is now seeking to remove Archer permanently, citing her frequent use of the term ‘beautiful mess’ to describe herself, as well as the seven occasions she used the same term to describe the NHS.

Archer said: “Polly Toynbee warned us this would happen. No wonder she sent her kids to private school.”